Sony Wants Ryan Gosling To Be In Every Movie Ever, So Here Are Some Suggestions

As much as possible, I’m trying to stay away from the Sony hack. While there is some exciting trade news coming out, for the most part it feels like digging through celebrities’ trash. That being said, there have been a few pieces of information that are so fun (Channing Tatum’s emails, I’m looking at you), they’re nearly impossible not to share. One such tidbit is the BIG OL’ FAT CRUSH Sony Chief Amy Pascal has on Ryan Gosling. A lengthy email exchange between Pascal and Gosling’s manager exposes their “lovey-dovey relationship.” Pascal, it turns out, basically wants the baby goose for every upcoming Sony project. She wants him to do Ghostbusters, she wanted him for their Steve Jobs biopic, and for Sinister Six. Now, Gosling is a divisive figure. Some of us (rightfully) love him. But I know some of you out there just don’t get it. You see him as a pretty face with only one expression. You think he’s stagnant, boring even. But don’t you see? That’s his strength! Amy Pascal wants to put him in every movie? Fine! That’s perfect. Because Gosling is so unassuming, so adaptable (you say bland, I say adaptable— tomato, tomato), there’s always a role for him. Look how well he would fit into any of these upcoming Sony movies. Pascal, I’ll be awaiting your call to bring me on board as Sony’s new head casting director.

Chappie

Oh, you think Gosling is robotic? THEN LET HIM PLAY A LOVABLE ROBOT.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

Try to tell me you wouldn’t see this movie if Gosling played the segway.

Pixels

About a group of former video game prodigies who have to save the world, replace both Adam Sandler and Josh Gad with Ryan Gosling.

Popeye

Now, I would never suggest Ryan Gosling could fill any shoes ever worn by Robin Williams. But he would be great as, say, that magical healthy spinach.

Goosebumps

The movie will be about the characters of R.L. Stine’s books being set free. Gosling could play any role in this, but I know some of you love to throw around the word “wooden,” so let’s roll with it.

Angry Birds

It’s the role he was born to play.

Spider-Man

Look, I don’t know who he would play, but if Amy Pascal wants him in Spider-Man 3 and 4, we should probably just resign ourselves to that happening.