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Six Predictions For "Game of Thrones" Season 3 By A Non-Book Reading Fan

By Rob Payne | Lists | March 29, 2013 |

By Rob Payne | Lists | March 29, 2013 |

After the first season of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” ended, I was so desperate to delve back into the world of George R.R. Martin’s Westeros that I did start reading the first book. I managed to get halfway through before I decided that I’d rather not be spoiled for the show with any foreknowledge. Plus, those books are crazy long. Still, I couldn’t stop pondering what was yet to come in the song of ice and fire, though I had no idea how season two would unfold after the surprise death of the ostensible hero and the birth of a trio of dragons in the middle of nowhere. I definitely had ideas about the story’s possible endgame (Jon Snow and Daenerys surely must meet and either join forces or wage the final battle) and a theory about its major secret (that Snow is actually the bastard of Robert Baratheon and Ned’s sister), but the world was too new for me to guess where it could actually go next.

But now, after spending two seasons (and two re-watches apiece) in Winterfell, King’s Landing, the various locales in Essos, and everything in between, with these lord and ladies waging war against each other, I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on where GRRM, and showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, can take all the disparate storylines in season three. Now, I don’t want you book-reading fans to ruin things for all us n00bZ in the comments, so please refrain from praising my divination skills too heavily. But even if I’m not entirely accurate, I think you’ll all agree that these Six Predictions for “Game of Thrones” Season 3 are pretty logical, if not downright inevitable.

Daenerys Targaryen

With the Council of Thirteen dead and the city without leadership, Dany becomes the Queen of Qarth, which everyone agrees has a very nice ring to it. Naturally, her dragons squelch any possible citizen uprising by being dragons and soon she decides To Hell with Westeros and stays in the greatest city that ever will be to live out the rest of her days, which are spent akin to a never ending Bachelorette reality program. Only, instead of roses, the losers get burned.
By dragon fire.

Theon Greyjoy

Somehow, someway, Theon returns to Pike to find his father has died from a broken heart at what a loser his son turned out to be. Thankfully, his sister, the new ruler of the Iron Islands, is far less cruel and decides to give Theon a ship manned by other less-than-stellar sons. Turns out, rather than rape and pillage, all these boys want to do is sing and dance like the Pirates of Penzance. And that they do, until they sail too close to Dragonstone and are mercilessly killed by Stannis Baratheon who just doesn’t cotton to that kind of frivolity.

Robb Stark

Robb’s impetuous decision to marry Talisa, despite being engaged to Walder Frey’s bridge, er, eldest daughter, will surely set up a Three’s Company scenario where the King of the North and his dual Queens have to hide their shady relationships from their overbearing elders, the surly Lord Bolton and Robb’s mum, Lady Catelyn. Hijinks will undoubtedly ensue, and at some point Lord Frey himself will replace Bolton, ala Don Knotts’ Furley and Normal Fell’s Mr. Roper.

Jon Snow

After Jon slays the Half-hand, he’s given honorary status as a wildling, but he still must prove himself in the eyes of the King Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder. To do so, Snow must compete in a series of physical challenges that are not unlike a medieval American Gladiators. If he wins, he gets to be Rayder’s second-in-command, and if he loses, he becomes Ygritte’s personal slave. So, really, win-win!

Bran and Rickon

The youngest of the Winterfellians, along with Hodor and Osha, make it Castle Black relatively unscathed. But something is fishy at the Wall, as it seems to be mostly deserted and Maester Aemon keeps rambling about how nobody has cleaned the piss pots in weeks. The Starky Boys decide to investigate themselves, and soon enough they’re solving mysteries such as “The Case of the Unkempt Bed” and “The Case of the Missing Cauldron” on a weekly basis.

Arya Stark

Days upon days spent wandering the Riverlands lead nowhere, until suddenly Arya stumbles upon the Hound as he hightails it out of King’s Landing. Arya decides the Hound is another useful badass, and the Hound decides that one Stark girl is just as good as another, so they team up to find her family. Soon, they encounter Jamie Lannister and Brienne of Tarth, who have grown fond of each other on the road, so things are a bit awkward at first. Rather than make any sort of exchange, the four conclude they are supremely awesome and together can achieve anything. They march back to King’s Landing and kill everyone but Sansa, Tyrion, Tywin, Bronn, and maybe Varys if he shuts up about his lack of genitals for half a second, then the eight of them take turns beating Joffrey to death with his own scepter. And then they all live happily ever after.

The end.

Or is it…?

Rob Payne also writes the comic The Unstoppable Force, tweets on the Twitter @RobOfWar, and his wares can be purchased here and here (if you’re into that sort of thing). He would like to apologize to the direwolf fans out there for not mentioning them, but clearly the show is more than willing to forget about them, too.