Summer is the time of the Movie. Studios use this season to earn all of the money they’ll need to wipe their asses for the lean times to come in the abyss of January. This is when the big properties, the big names, and the bigger marketing pushes come out to play. Sometimes these things don’t make a bit of difference and the Summer Movies either fail or fall out of the collective pop culture memory in the span of a few years. These are those movies from the Summer of 2000.
Shanghai Noon - $56,937,502
I had forgotten this movie ever existed. I liked Jackie Chan movies back in the day, but I sort of hate buddy cop movies. I never saw this one but I could watch the entire thing on YouTube if I really wanted.
Shaft - $70,334,258
Yes, Samuel L. Jackson is a bad motherfucker. Yes, Shaft is the man. No, the combination of these two things was not a highlight of my summer. HOLY SHIT IS THAT CHRISTIAN BALE GETTING PUNCHED???
Rocky & Bullwinkle - $26,005,820
Maybe you had purged this cinematic abomination from your mind. Maybe you forgot Robert De Niro, who also co-produced, played Fearless Leader to Rene Russo and Jason Alexander’s Natasha and Boris. If we had remembered this piece of crap, maybe we could have avoided The Smurfs or those Chipmunk movies. NEVER FORGET. YOU LOOK AT THIS TRASH ANIMATION. LOOK AT IT!
What Lies Beneath - $155,464,351
Robert Zemeckis attempted to give us an adult thriller with a ghostly twist. The movie performed well, but has anyone watched this in the last 14 years? I was bored to tears when I watched Michelle Pfeiffer and Harrison Ford challenge their neighbors in the Hump Games before the strange noises began.
Coyote Ugly - $60,786,269
Terrible music and Piper Perabo strike again in this tale as old as time: Girl wants to write songs and ends up dancing on a bar with Tyra Banks instead.
Hollow Man - $73,209,340
I saw this in the theater. I paid actual money to watch Kevin Bacon turn into an invisible rapist. This movie’s only redeeming quality: it connects Kevin Bacon to the entire cast of Planet Terror. You can also see his dick during one of the scenes that show his invisibility started to take hold.
Space Cowboys - $90,464,773
Clint Eastwood has been old for a hundred years now.
The Cell - $61,334,059
Do you remember when Jennifer Lopez wanted to act in serious roles and not just idiotic romantic comedies about in-laws and wedding planners and artificial insemination? No one else does either.