This Friday sees the release of Neill Blomkamp’s newest, Chappie, about Hugh Jackman’s mullet and its heroic attempt to live in an anti-mullet world. And I think there are robots or something. But seriously, that hair. And it’s not the only atrocious haircut to grace the silver screen in the past 15 years. Some of them are intentionally bad (Colin Farrell in Horrible Bosses). Some of them are unintentionally bad (Colin Farrell in Winter’s Tale). All are follicular disasters.
Note: I’m only looking at films from 2000 onwards, because I’m not touching hairstyles of ’80s and ’90s films with a ten-foot pole. If you want to venture into those waters, I salute you and pray for your soul.
21) Tom Hanks in The Da Vinci Code
Jesus, come down from your heavenly sex party with Mary Magdalene and bring this man some shampoo.
20) Taylor Lautner in Twilight
It’s that center part. I can’t.
19) Bruce Willis in Surrogates
This haircut isn’t awful by itself—it’s bad, but not “top 19 worst movie haircuts of the 21st century” bad—but any hair on Bruce Willis is just wrong.
18) Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
The main problem I—and a lot of people—had with Tim Burton’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is that it shifted Willy Wonka from “Woah, he’s kind of creepy” to “This guy is a full-on pedo horror show.” The haircut did not help.
17) The entire cast of Rock of Ages
The 80s. *shudders*
16) Halle Berry in X-Men: The Last Stand
Someone give us mohawk Storm in a movie, for God’s sake.
15) Angelina Jolie in Gone in 60 Seconds
White women with manky dreads: nah.
14) Bradley Cooper in Hit and Run
White men with even mankier dreads: nah.
13) Colin Farrell in Horrible Bosses
This would be higher, but at least it makes sense for the character. Unlike:
12) Colin Farrell in Alexander
It’s like Fabio and Justin Timberlake had a baby.
11) Colin Farrell in Winter’s Tale
It’s waving at us. Have some mercy, Colin.
10) The male cast of American Hustle
It looks like Bale and BCoop are judging Jeremy Renner’s Joe Pesci hair, which really they have no right to do.
9) Hugh Jackman in Chappie
The t-shirt cannon really completes the look.
8) Dermot Mulroney in About Schmidt
Sorry, Hugh, but only one mullet can reign supreme.
7) Nicolas Cage in general
Where to even start?
6) Jared Leto in Panic Room and Ed Norton in Stone
I would take an infinite number of ombre beach waves or man buns over this.
5) Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men
See, it makes sense to put a version of Depp’s Wonka haircut on a psycho serial killer, Tim.
4) Jonathan Rhys Meyers in The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
“It looks a little like a 5-year-old with scissors cut it, but it’s not that bad,” you think. And then you see the rat tails.
3) Javier Bardem in The Counselor
This haircut is worse than the scene in The Counselor where Cameron Diaz rubs her vagina against a car windsheld… OK, maybe not.
2) Ben Kingsley in BloodRayne
This is what you get for being in an Uwe Boll movie, Ben.
1) John Travolta and Forest Whitaker in Battlefield Earth
As if you had any doubts.
And one that I couldn’t put on this list, because I genuinely, unapologetically love it: