Ranking Oscar Isaac Movies By His Sexiness
There was a time not so long ago when this world didn’t know the dead sexiness of ingendude Oscar Isaac. But don’t linger on that dark time. Instead, be lionized by a look back at his least to most lust-inducing roles.
Sucker Punch (2011)
Dead last is this dismal, dumb dud. A lot of people credit Zack Snyder for launching Isaac with this festering flop of a film. One, nope. He and his enviable eyebrows had already been in a pair Ridley Scott movies you’ve forgotten. And two: any credit Snyder could be due is erased by the injustice of this vile mustache combined, not to mention the supremely rapey (and no, not “empowering”) plot line.
X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)
From Blue to Blergh. Like Idris Elba in Star Trek: Beyond and Lee Pace in Guardians of the Galaxy, the upcoming superhero epic has done us the grave disservice of covering a handsome, handsome mug with nonsense.
Body of Lies (2008)
Ridley Scott pulled a less egregious but similarly mystifying move in his first collaboration with Isaac, hiding the smoldering stud under a dingy ball cap and a track jacket. Probably so he won’t compete with scraggly beard Leo DiCaprio, but still!
Robing Hood (2010)
Then came this chinstrap nonsense. Ridley, really—what do have against letting this charm bomb explode and be handsome? What has Oscar Isaac ever done to you!?
Of course we can’t trust Nicolas Winding Refn to make the most out of Isaac’s natural assets. Look what he did to his lead Ryan Gosling here? Draping him in a white silk jacket that’d be downright laughable on any other human. (Looking at you, dudes trying to make that work.) Of course he’d magically come up with one of the few facial hair to head of hair ratios that somehow doesn’t suit Isaac’s distinguished features. And that sweater? That’s the real cruelty of this violent drama.
This is stressful. Let’s break for a musical interlude. WARNING: Dapper, jaunty and playful as he is in this GQ deliciousness, you may literally scream with delight. Prepare yourself.
Aaaaaaaand, we’re back.
In this tedious garbage movie written and directed by The Departed’s scribe William Monahan, Isaac channels his intensity and go-for-broke attitude into a maniacal drifter hellbent on murdering a douchey movie star (Gearret Hedlund). The best thing about this bloated, monologue-laden flick is a scene where Isaac wears a teeny pair of pink Speedos and whines about the internet. Infuriatingly, that image is not available online.
The Nativity Story (2006)
Hm. His beard is good. I’ve never seen The Nativity Story. How have I not seen The Nativity Story?
In Secret (2013)
Upside of this period piece, it has Isaac as a romantic lead who gets his clothes plucked off by an enthusiastic lover. Downside: HAVEN’T THESE PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF A LIGHT? Why are you hiding your hunk in shadows?
10 Years (2011)
It’s like filmmakers don’t see the Isaac we see, right? Thankfully, this charming potato movie you’ve probably never seen gets it, bestowing on the plucky panty dropper a song number that is literally the only thing I remember about 10 Years.
Won’t Back Down (2012)
We’d like to publicly thank director Daniel Barnz for getting it. In this female-driven drama about moms and schools, he took a moment to give the presumed lady audience the pleasure of a snug-jeans wearing, shimmying and smiling Isaac. Yes. More please.
The Two Faces of January (2014)
Last year Hollywood finally seemed to catch up to the crushes burning in the hearts of all those who spied this sultry stud. Hossein Amini needed to created an old-school mix of class and unspoken sexual yearning for his throwback love triangle thriller. So would else would he cast opposite Kirsten Dunst and Viggo Mortenson? Naturally lionmaster Isaac.
A Most Violent Year (2014)
This muted mobster drama scored scads of praise for the rising star and the incomparable Jessica Chastain. Personally, I found it bland. But I will always be thankful for a preview of the sizzling silver fox Isaac is destined to become.
Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)
The Coens knew their eponymous antihero was a hard-to-love bastard. So how did they decide to make the down on his luck and curmudgeonly folk singer compelling instead of grating? They cast an actor who sings like his voice is distilled from smoke and pain, and whose eyes burn with a scorching passion. Sure, Llewyn is a cad in nearly every respect. But with the heat Isaac emits throughout? Oh what I wouldn’t give to be the cat he cuddled or the girl he crooned to.
Ex Machina (2015)
This twisted and seductive thriller is one of the best films of the year, and one of the best sci-fi films in decades. But that’s not why it’s so high on this list. This is all about sex appeal, ladies and dudes. And what—I ask you affecting a Southern lawyer drawl—can compete with this man’s swagger, presumably fragrant beard and disco dance domination? Yes, there’s a Kilgrave conflict to consider. But I can’t deny the power this performance possesses. Ex Machina was the tipping point where you either admitted your obsession with Isaac, or realized your heart had actually stopped beating.
I know. I know. The world hasn’t seen the movie yet. But is it a spoiler to tell you that as Poe Dameron, Isaac is a debonair dreamboat hotter than a Wookiee on Tattooine? We knew that from the moment they did his Vanity Fair pic like a pin-up for lusty ladies.
I literally squealed when this ravishing rebel dashed into action for the first time in The Force Awakens, and just about any time he appeared thereafter. And you know why? J.J. Abrams has at long last seen in Isaac what we hear at Pajiba have been saying for ages. The dude is a megaForce of sexual charisma. Abrams encouraged him to grow out his want-to-stick-your-fingers-in-it hair. He urged him to smile and embrace his swarthy swagger. And he gave him an andorable droid bestie to melt out hearts. Sure, this sci-fi adventure is PG-13. But the fantasies it inspires?
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