I’ve been twisting my brain into prezels for the last 48 hours trying to convince myself that a David Lynch-directed third season of Twin Peaks might still happen (by going public with Showtime’s unwillingness to meet his budgterary demands, Lynch is clearly trying to boost fan rage so that Showtime will be shamed into giving him what he wants, right? Right?! Let’s reserve Say Anything this shit!) So, for today’s post, I only have the mental energy for something a little light, a little fun, but not as fun as the Rock photoshopped onto the Three Men and a Baby poster, because that is lightning that only strikes once.
To wit: These five actors really need to have one of their minions update their official website.
The most disappointing thing about Michael Caine’s website isn’t its drab color scheme but the fact that when I saw “Visit Shakira’s Site” on the right sidebar, I thought for a brief, shining second that Michael Caine was a really big fan of everyone’s favorite Colombian songstress. He is, alas, married to a woman named Shakira, whom I’m sure if very lovely even though her website gives me a 404 error.
Here we have the worst of the bunch: Sean Connery’s official website invites visitors to “Download your ‘Bond’ theme screensaver for Windows 95 or above” and “send an official Sean Connery ePostcard!” TK: Incoming. Also, unlike all you other jagoffs who got naval tattoos, Sean wants you to know that his are “not frivolous.” No mention of the time he said “It’s not the worst thing to slap a woman now and then,” though.
“This website doesn’t look all that bad, especially compared to Sean Conner—IS THAT A WORD SEARCH?”
It is a word search.
I forgot how bad I am at these. Also, there’s a surprising amount of multimedia content on this site, and if you venture into the FAQ, you’ll find this gem about the Sherlock co-star:
Anonymous person who runs Rupert Graves’ official site, you are my favorite.
It doesn’t make me feel good about myself to say anything even vaguely negative about Ian McKellen, but let’s get some good design going on here, my friend. Also, while McKellen has a lot of great content—multiple sections on activism, a blog post where he reveals he totally knows who Figwit is (but he won’t tell you if you don’t already know), a family scramble egg recipe—the “Shopping” link takes me to an empty page instead of one where I can buy his Twitter pictures with Patrick Stewart printed on all manner of household linens, so what is even the point?
Richard E. Grant
Richard E. Grant, you’re not a teenager circa 2009 who’s creating his first website. I don’t know why you’re doing this.
Honorable mention goes to NickNolte.com, which judging by the about page appears to be fan-run. If there’s any actor whose official page I would expect to have a splash animation intro with not one but two mugshots and a page that promises Detailed 3D Imaging of Nick’s Heart is “Coming Soon!,” it would be…. well, Gary Busey, but Nolte wouldn’t be far behind. As for Busey’s website, it has a shop where you can buy autographed “Buseyism” prints, including this one:
So I think he wins.