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Oscar Gladiator Games Part III

By Brian Prisco | Lists | December 15, 2010 |

By Brian Prisco | Lists | December 15, 2010 |

It’s gonna be a pretty savage competition for this year’s Oscars, and pretty much everyone is well deserving of a nomination, so why bother picking who deserves it by talent? Instead, as I love so much to do, I’ve decided to figure out who would win if the Oscars were based on gladiatorial combat. Because that’s how most contests should be decided. By Spartacus levels of nudity and violence in monster truck arena presided over by wild-bearded Joaquin Phoenix.

Kevin Kline, The Extra Man
John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone
Bob Hoskins, Made in Dagenham
Sam Rockwell, Conviction
Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech
Bill Murray, Get Low
Matt Damon, True Grit
Christian Bale, The Fighter

This is going to be a hell of a fight. Oh, my sweet Godtopus, this is going to be a hellacious battle. There’s a lot of unrestrained crazy and fighting ability spewing from this group. I feel like Murray’s going down first solely because everyone’s going to want the honor of being the one who killed Bill Murray. I see Rush and Kline going after each other in a sword fight, a serious Inigo Montoya/Dread Pirate Roberts swashbuckle, hurling themselves around the arena and slashing each other’s cheeks. They don’t bother to flood the arena for this one, I see them just loading in a pirate ship to give these two the chance to have something to swing around on. I’m giving the edge to Rush just because I think he’d fight dirty enough to win. I see Kline swiping him across the calf, and then just as Rush is about to fall, he actually lights a cannon and blows Kline into Eine Kliene Mistcloud. But as Rush is reveling in his victory, Hoskins leaps on his back and bites a huge gaping wound in his neck. Hoskins is a thug-brute fighter, an eye-gouging, lip ripping, cheek tearer that would have done well in the old Gangs of New York style brouhaha.

As for the other four, it’s gonna be a tight scrum. I figure Damon would go straight for Hawkes, because there’s his biggest unknown. Hawkes has a damn menacing aspect to him, but he also skews a bit Fisher Stevens. He’s assuredly a smart bad guy, and he’s got the crazy eyes, but as for the full-on physicality, he’s facing Bourne. Damon doesn’t even need to pick up a weapon, he’s actually learned how to kill with garbage. He’s going to lure Hawkes towards the edge of the arena so they are both pelted with detritus from the crowd, which Damon will then pick up and use to slaughter Hawkes. Probably a drinking straw, a souvenir OscarWarz fountain drink cup, and maybe one of those pennants with Bill Murray’s name on it. Damon’s not walking away unscathed. Hawkes won’t go down without drawing blood, and probably breaking a few bones, but he’s still going down.

Rockwell and Bale will face off. It’s kind of the equivalent of the walk-off in Zoolander. Cool finds cool, they rise to the occasion. And both of these guys are scrappy fighters with lean muscle. This goes beyond 12 rounds, with the two just walloping the shit out of each other. It only gets worse if they get their hands on weapons. Rockwell is a natural fighter, with a sort of boundlessly energetic crazy streak in him. He’s like Tigger if he were a serial killer. He’s gonna be belting out operatic arias while he takes chunks out of Bale. But Christian Bale is ACTUALLY CERTIFIABLY INSANE. While Rockwell’s lunacy comes out of a sense of a kind of manic fun streak, Bale’s is actually a dark, dangerous place. When he acts goofy and silly, it’s to hide pure, malevolent evil. The kind that lives in toaster ovens and kills Kevin’s parents. So I think Rockwell’s gonna see this as a game, and Bale’s in it for the kill. Which will give him the edge to take Rockwell off at the knees and then go into a 12 minute monologue, berating Rockwell for interrupting his listening of Prince’s Greatest Hits before burying a marlinspike in Rockwell’s chest cavity.

We’re looking at Hoskins, Bale and Damon for the finish. Clearly, Bale and Damon are going to duke it out. But they’ve got to watch out for Hoskins, who’s like a shaven bear. Hoskins is Anthony Hopkins daffy, a Michael Caine with the body of Pavarotti. He’s a cannonball of malevolence, and if he were facing down anyone else but these two guys, I think he’d cave in skulls. As it stands, Damon’s going to be more of a technical fighter against Bale’s crazy rage squall. Damon will have the easy edge, putting up brick walls and cinderblock fists against Bale’s relentless assault. Like a cool head, he’d prevail. But the wild card here is Hoskins, and like a fat, British Charlie Day, he’s gonna be flinging burning barrels of pitch and fistfuls of feces into this array. It’s tipping this into chaos that will allow Bale to reign. Damon’s essentially gonna be trying to square off against two maniac assailants, and I see him taking out Hoskins with an axe handle to the collarbone, sending splinters of boneshard into Hoskins’ heart, just as Bale stoves in the back of his face. Bourne’s gonna be as dead as his creator, and Bale’s gonna shout at an intern in victory.

See also Best Actor and Best Actress Gladiator Face-Offs