Sometimes I watch a horror film just to relax and unwind. Witnessing the brutal torment of other people, when I know it is fake, is fun and entertaining after a long day wishing horrible things about your co-workers. Especially helpful are those horror movies that have the elements that they are supposed to have, but end up hilarious instead of horrifying. They fall short in plot, execution, acting, or their special effects aren’t very special.
1. Dead Silence
Sookie’s brother (Ryan Kwanten) and his wife receive the ridiculous gift of a ventriloquist dummy on their doorstep, like some kind of grotesque orphan child. While Sookie’s brother goes to grab Chinese food for dinner, his wife decides to play a prank on him with the dummy. Instead, the dummy straight murders her all up and the prank is ruined. RUINED.
This death leads Sookie’s brother to travel back to his hometown where we learn about a childhood legend said to haunt people with her ventriloquist dummies. I am so serious.
You get bonus Donnie Wahlberg! Amber Valletta! A terrifying clown doll! All that, plus an idiotic plot! ACT NOW!
This 2005 gem stars Christina Ricci as Ellie and Jesse Eisenberg as her brother Jimmy. The pair have been on their own since their parents died. One night, the siblings are in a car accident and a werewolf attacks them. Werewolf-y things start happening and Joshua Jackson is also there!
The final showdown is so stupid, so poorly done, so idiotic that it is a must watch film for your Halloween season. Nick Offerman as a cop doesn’t hurt either.
If you thought the first Silent Hill movie was a dumpster fire, the sequel stinks worse than the tire fire on The Simpsons. (You can smell it in 46 states!)
Adelaide Clemens isn’t terrible as Heather and Sean Bean is always a good time, but Kit Harington’s Vincent is a little off in the accent department. Luckily, you can tune that out and just gaze upon that face of his. HNNNG.
Perhaps the best part of the whole thing is a possibly albino Carrie-Ann Moss and the SPOILER crazy monster thing she turns into in the end.
The saddest part? Malcolm McDowell is hardly any screen time.
4. The Ward
Amber Heard plays a young woman that is institutionalized after setting a house on fire. Once inside, she begins to suspect the staff is hiding someone, or some thing, that is killing off her fellow patients one by one.
The fellow patients fall into neat little boxes, as is the norm for horror flicks like this one. However, Jared Harris and Heard are always fun to watch and the jump scares are giggly fun.
5. The Fog
Maggie Grace, Tom Welling, and Selma Blair star in this terrible, no good, amazingly cheese-filled remake of the 1980 flick of the same name. Grace returns to town and goes right back to her boyfriend, Welling. Blair has taken over the Adrianne Barbeau role of the seaside town’s own radio station owner and dj.
When Antonio Island decides to unveil statues of its founders, a strange fog rolls in that begins killing people! It is just as crackers as it sounds and the ending is, in the words of Mantzoukas, UNFATHOMABLE.