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Medieval Paintings Where Jesus Is Ripped as Hell

By Rebecca Pahle | Lists | May 31, 2016 |

By Rebecca Pahle | Lists | May 31, 2016 |

Question: If you’re visiting New York City for the first time, what’s the number one thing on your to-do list? Eat pizza? Visit the Statue of Liberty? Stand outside the Hamilton marquee and weep uncontrollably? Wrong. It is “visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art and witness firsthand the greatest piece of art Lord God himself has ever seen fit to put upon this earth.” Technically, it’s Marco Zoppo’s “Christ as the Man of Sorrows.” But I think of it as “Homoerotic Chippendales Come Hither Jesus.”


Marco Zoppo heard that Jesus had an eight pack. That Jesus was shredded.

Here are some more. Art is for the masses. Lady Charles Dance is also at the Met if you want to give her a visit.


“No, I’m fine, I’m just going to stay where I am in half-crunch position. Lllllaaadies.


Dude in the red tunic is tactfully averting his eyes because Jesus’ bathroom area is covered in tulle.


Every day is ab day when you’re Jesus, including the literal day of your birth. No wonder Mary looks like that. Jesus’ face in this one is what I think all babies are like, by the way.


Tag yourself. I’m crying, jewfro man on the top right.


That’s not where abs are supposed to be, and I’m real unsure about the placement on that decoration in the middle of the tunic thing underneath Jesus.

Jesus: For Me’s sake, would you put some pants on?
Dude in Blue: Don’t wanna.
Dude in Red: I have this conversation with him every day.

Commenters: chime in on whether Jesus manscapes and which lake of fire we should meet up near when we all go to hell.