Nicholas Brody — Homeland: Okay not strictly a depression beard. More of a “I’ve been kidnapped and emotionally and mentally abused until I don’t really know who I am anymore.” Not a good look.
Jack Bauer — 24: This is another captivity beard. Equally not lust-inspiring.
Ted Mosby — How I Met Your Mother: Everything Ted does is the worst. We accept this as fact.
Andy Botwin — Weeds: NO.
Jack — Lost: I actually found this less upsetting than real world Kate’s addiction to lip gloss, but it’s not great.
Ron Burgundy — Anchorman: When there are things IN the beard? Foodstuffs? Oh we must look away.
Eleven — Doctor Who: This is the first and only time I’ll concede that Matt Smith is funny looking.
Dr. Cox — Scrubs: Well this BARELY counts. It’s more like robust stubble.
Jesse Pinkman — Breaking Bad: The hair was particularly egregious, but the whole look was tremendously distressing. Especially remembering how he once was.
Commander Riker — Star Trek: The Next Generation: Riker’s beard is generally one of my favorite’s in TV history, but alternate timeline Riker? Well he was coping with the Borg. Maintenance was futile.
Max — Happy Endings: Aw who can resist the bear beard?
Ron Swanson — Parks & Recreation: Listen, this is a monstrosity. But, then again, it’s also Ron Swanson. Basically a Swanstrosity.
Walter White — Breaking Bad: Honestly? This is the best Walt has ever looked. And he’s BASICALLY The Fonz.
Bruce Wayne — The Dark Knight Rises: Do you think Alfred snuck in and shaved the sides off in the night?
Marco Ruiz — The Bridge: I don’t know if it’s Bichir’s accent or the accompanying Hoodie Of Constant Sorrow, but this worked for me. I can’t explain it.
Mr. Rochester — Jane Eyre: Higher than it has any right to be by virtue of being a Fassbeard.
John Luther — Luther: You don’t think he was depressed and angry in Series 3? Feh, that’s his secret, he’s always angry.
Clark Kent — Man Of Steel: What beard?
Christian — Mouline Rouge: It comes off as more artistic than depressive. But he’s in France at the turn of the century so I’d wager the stench is epic.
Margaery Tyrell — Game of Thrones: Winner, winner.