With the impending destruction of western civilization breathing down our collective necks, I find it’s best to distract myself with pretty. It’s no surprise around these parts that I’m the resident magpie. So with that in mind, I thought it’d be nice to have a look-see as to what fashion trends are going to fall into place this year. How else do you dress for the apocalypse? Allure has a few ideas and shall be our guide. So, imaginary person who is interested in this sort of thing, let’s get ready to dress for destruction!
While pink has certainly made its presence known among our favorite beauty products and accessories this year, we’re willing to bet that the bubblegum shade will continue to reign supreme in 2017. Brands like Céline, Valentino, Gucci, Loewe, and more sent out an assortment of rose-hued ensembles for spring 2017, solidifying the color’s “It” status among the fashion set for many more months to come.
Why stop with the subtlety when you can go balls out?
Wondering what to wear to the Women’s March in D.C. next month? A slew of designers have you covered. Slogan tops with empowering messages were all the rage on the spring 2017 runway. Designer Stella McCartney, best known for her sustainable ethics, sent down versions that read “Girls Thanks, and No Fur, No Leather,” while Dior’s Maria Grazia Chiuri received praise for her “We Should All Be Feminists” tee. The message is loud and clear: Let your shirt do all the talking next year.
Maybe don’t wear this to the Women’s March in D.C. Unless, you know, you work for Washington Post Express. HA. YA BURNT?
I.T. CASES ARE THE NEXT “IT” CASES: (I hated typing that more than you reading it, I swear)
Why lug around a heavy tote when you can just carry your handy dandy cell phone? Next year, we’re all for streamlining our daily essentials—and it seems, so are designers. For spring 2017, Louis Vuitton’s Nicolas Ghesquière introduced an iPhone case version of the brand’s signature leather bags, while Chloé, Valentino, and Dior sent down mini purses just big enough to hold your beloved device.
Yes, our hobo bags have gotten SO HEAVY what with carrying around our vagenda and various vessels for which to hold male tears/gaze.
This seems preferable:
SUPER HIGH SNEAKERS:
Don’t get us wrong, we love the comfort of sneakers, but it’s time for a new footwear style to take over our shoe closet. For 2017, designers are proposing sky-high platforms, like Proenza Schouler’s spotted sandals and Gucci’s lofty loafers embellished with studs. After seasons of ubiquitous all-white kicks, a dramatic heel is a (much needed) breath of fresh air.
No thanks. Wearing those kind of shoes at a catholic high school was weird enough.
STATEMENT EARRINGS: (no lie, the inspiration for this train wreck. #sorrynotsorry for what you’re about to see)
Why mess with success? Statement earrings have been a favorite of the fashion set and partygoers this year, and it seems the trend will continue to dominate in 2017. Brands like J.W. Anderson, Delpozo, and Proenza Schouler all sent down big and bold baubles down the runway—some that even dip well past the shoulder.
Sometimes, the gods of fortune smile down upon me and I have no choice but to bask for a bit and then share.
Who doesn’t love stripes? Fashion’s favorite print is timeless and totally wearable. Next year, get ready to see stripes in all sizes and colors on everything from chunky sweaters to knit dresses and oversize shirts.
Next year, get ready to cover up in voluminous sleeves and architectural shoulder pads reminiscent of the ’80s. Balenciaga, Jacquemus, and Saint Laurent sent various options down the runway for spring 2017, marking the end of this year’s much beloved (and overdone) off-the-shoulder silhouette.
PUFFED SLEEVES?!?! FUCKING FINALLY!
A trend we never thought will see the light of day: Crocs, the footwear of choice for nurses and chefs around the world, finally got a sartorial makeover thanks to Christopher Kane. The designer introduced bedazzled versions of the homely shoes, inciting a wave of shock and fascination among the fashion set. We can’t wait to see the brave souls who will take on this trend next year.
Wait. Crocs? CROCS? These Crocs?
NOPE. I was all onboard until the Crocs. I’ll just stick to my stand-by:
A nuclear winter gets really cold, guys.