Look At The Rack On That Dude! A Brief History Of Lady Porn

By Joanna Robinson | Lists | November 14, 2011 |

By Joanna Robinson | Lists | November 14, 2011 |

There are a heap ton of reasons for your “average,” red-blooded heterosexual male to scurry on down to see Tarsem’s Immortals. There are fights galore saturated with hearty arterial sprays and flesh that mashes and splits like play-doh. And, oh yes, a lingering shot of Freida Pinto’s breathtaking, quivering bum. But in addition to the guts and the gore and the hindquarters, director Tarsem Singh has delivered as much Lady Porn as anyone could ask for. Not since the costuming department of “Mad Men” got ahold of Christina Hendricks has a pair of mammaries been so lovingly showcased. In fact, the accentuating bronzer is liberally applied not only on Henry Cavill’s heroic bosom, but also Luke Evans’ grimly clenched ab muscles and Stephen Dorff’s morally questionable obliques. Not to mention that mostly mute Twilight kid and his really dumb helm. Anyway, as I was saying, Lady Porn. For those of you not familiar with the term, Lady Porn is a film that ostensibly has a plot and at least some shreds of artistic merit but, if we’re being honest, exists as a visual/emotional feast for the appraising female eye. (Or male eye. Whatever floats your porn boat.) Conventional wisdom dictates that ladies aren’t into actual porn. That they’re too squeamish or romantic or otherwise ill-equipped to handle the frank sexuality of the porn industry. Conventional wisdom is full of sh*t. However, some ladies do prefer to be wooed. And while Hollywood used to pussyfoot about, the Lady Porn in the offing these days is about as obvious as they come. So here, for your edification and eye feasting pleasure, is a brief history of Lady Porn from prim to profligate. Enjoy.

Seven Brides For Seven Brothers (1954): Despite one scandalous scene where six of the brothers breakfast in only towels and blankets, things stay pretty tame in this classic musical. If, however, you doubt the producers’ commitment to Lady Porn motion, consider the casting of Jeff Richards as Benjamin, the hunkiest brother (far right). While the other brothers were cast for their acting, singing and dancing abilities, Jeff possessed none, lip-synching his songs and awkwardly clapping in the back of every dance scene. His purpose was pure, unadulterated eye candy.

The Outsiders (1983): I know, this is a huge leap, and there were many fine Lady Porns between 1954 and this 80’s gem, but take a minute and marvel at this cast. Swayze, Lowe, Cruise (when it was okay to like him), Macchio and Estevez. All greased up and angst-ridden and bare armed.

Dead Poets Society (1989): This one was for the poetic Ladies. The fragile, swoon-worthy beauty of Robert Sean Leonard and Ethan Hawke counterbalanced by the wholesome Josh Charles and alluring Gale Hansen. She may tell you she’s watching for the poetry, but she’s lying.

Newsies (1992): Yes, yes, it’s the second musical on the list. But it’s also the last, so don’t get your newsie cap in a twist. Christian Bale’s first film as young adult foreshadowed the Lady Porn idol he would become.

School Ties (1992): While many think of this film as a poor man’s Dead Poets Society, it’s in a completely different Lady Porn category. These aren’t poets, these are football players. You’ve got Damon and Affleck, Hauser, Fraser and O’Donnell. There are memorable shower scenes. This is a whole new kettle of half naked fish.

White Squall (1996): Here marks a turning point, when subtlety begins to lose ground. Do you remember the plot? You surely don’t. You may not even remember Jeff Bridges. But you do remember the bevy of half-naked 90’s heartthrobs including Scott Wolf, Ethan Embry, Jeremy Sisto and, of course, Ryan Phillippe. That’s one Devon Sawa short of Yahtzee. Nautical Lady Porn at its best.

Ocean’s Eleven (2001): You could argue that the original 1960 film with Sinatra, Martin et. al. should count. But who would trade Rat Porn for Clooney Porn? Add a dash of Pitt and Damon and you’ve got a winning cocktail.

Troy (2004): Ah, Troy makes White Squall look like “Pilgrim’s Progress. All the delightfully greasy Trojans and Greeks aside, you’ve got Brad Pitt playing one of the most famous warriors of all time…mostly naked…in a tent. Honestly he spends the better part of the movie in that damned tent lolling about with Rose Byrne. (Not that we can blame him.) Add Eric Bana, Sean Bean and, okay, I suppose, Orlando Bloom and you’ve got a Classical case of Lady Porn.

300 (2006): As loath as I am to heap any praise on Zack Snyder, he really did deliver a tour de phallus with this one. Setting the bar for male sexploitation with this banana hammockfest, Snyder delivered unto us the bare thighs of Gerard Butler and, um, whoever that fellow is in that picture below.

Inception (2010): SUIT PORN! Listen, Nolan’s film was great fun. Twisty, creative, baffling and visually appealing, it was a solid summer blockbuster. It was also, let’s be honest, an excuse for us to drool over the nattily attired forms of Leo, JGL, Tom Hardy, Cillian Muphy and Ken Watanabe. BWUUAAAMMM-CHICKA-BOW-WOW.

Immortals (2011): I already covered the barely covered Olympians of Tarsem’s hit film. He did his best for you, ladies, even gussying up the slab of meat formerly known as Mickey Rourke. His arms gleamed. But the gleamiest of all was the future Man of Steel, Henry Cavill. Though his teeth are a little chipmunky for my taste, you cannot argue with the physique.

The Avengers (2012): Oh, sure, this hasn’t been released yet. But after the plump pecs of Chris Evans’ Captain America and those gasp-inducing low rise jeans on Thor, do you doubt this flick will be a feast for the Lady Eye?

The Entire X-Men Franchise (2000-Forever and Ever Amen): Ladies, let’s give thanks to this franchise which has put the following men in clingy outfits: Hugh Jackman, Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Liev Schrieber, Taylor Kitsch, James Marsden and Ryan Reynolds. And the fun’s not over. Isn’t the prevalence of comic book films on this list interesting? Conventional wisdom dictates women aren’t into comic books or those films. Once again, conventional wisdom is full of sh*t. However, there is a demographic of lady filmgoer who will be less reluctant to accompany their fella to the movies if she knows Hugh Jackman’s shiny biceps are awaiting her. I’m not saying ladies need to have Lady Porn in order to enjoy a “male driven” plot (this is not “Game of Thrones” redux), but it never hurt.

Disclaimer: Please ignore the gender/heteronormative language in this post. “Lady Porn” was used for rhetorical convenience and is not meant to exclude any non-lady admirers of male flesh.

Joanna Robinson hopes none of you male readers feel objectified. That’s what the pretty pretty actors are for.