Keanu Reeves turning fifty years old today makes me realize that he probably has a painting rotting in an abandoned Hollywood storage space. When those assholes on Storage Wars find it and ruin it like they ruin everything, it will be a sad day indeed. Until that day, we will celebrate my five choices for favorite Keanu moments, because I’m the one writing the list. That’s why.
1. I watched Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure a ton as a kid. If you’re wondering if we really talked like the two air-headed protagonists, the answer is yes we did. After the movie, we did.
I can’t really choose a favorite moment from Bill & Ted’s plethora of amazing moments, so I’m going to share the trailer and urge you to watch the movie if you haven’t. Don’t be bogus, bro.
2. Perhaps you remember the 1991 Paula Abdul video for “Rush, Rush” featuring Keanu in an homage to Rebel Without A Cause? Keanu doesn’t look like he’s changed a day and we all remain bewildered at Paula Abdul ever having an actual, profitable singing career. Oh, God. I had forgotten the tight legging pants and feather bra interpretive dance.
3. In the hilariously dark comedy I Love You To Death, Keanu played Marlon James alongside William Hurt’s Harlon James. The drugged out duo were hired by Rosalie Boca (Tracey Ullman) to kill her philandering husband (Kevin Kline). This movie might be an undiscovered gem for some of you and Keanu’s performance in it is idiotic, stoned perfection.
4. I don’t think I can adequately explain my love for the film Feeling Minnesota, but I believe it can best be summed up by the portion of the movie where brothers Jjaks (Keanu) and Sam (Vincent D’Onofrio) fight by chucking rocks at one another while sitting opposite each other in the road. Hell, I even like Cameron Diaz in this whimsiquirkalicious romantic comedy from 1996.
5. Finally, if The Matrix didn’t blow your mind when you first saw it, it was probably because you watched it at some point after the year 2002 or something. Jerk.
Happy Birthday, Keanu. We may tease, but we only kid because we love. NEVER LEAVE US. Ever.