Horton Hears a Who! was a relative anomaly in the realm of Seuss adaptations. It’s hard to forget (believe me, I have tried) that Mike Myers completely ruined The Cat in the Hat for all of eternity with his movie adaptation, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas wasn’t much better as a film. So let’s not get too optimistic here. Hollywood will continue to pilfer Dr. Seuss books, and even if they don’t royally screw up The Lorax, most of them will be disappointments. So let us have a little fun imagining the various ways.
(Yes, I realize that not all of the books on this list were technically written by Theodor Seuss Geisl, but all of them fall either under his authorship or the Cat in the Hat Young Beginner’s book series.)
Fox in Socks: Remember how Megan Fox once spoke of her desire to make an “arty” nude movie? Yeah, that.
Inside Your Outside: This movie will be produced by Eli Roth, and it will no longer be a cheery little children’s tale.
Are You My Mother?: Starring Jennifer Aniston, this movie will destroy the book’s all-important spirit and be reimagined as a romcom where mom leaves her baby at home to go trolling for hot dudes.
Oh, the Places You’ll Go!: This movie will be reinterpreted as a sequel to the upcoming Eat Pray Love. It will, of course, star Julia Roberts.
Green Eggs and Ham: This little ditty will go straight to the food channel as a Paula Deen featurette.
One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish: Somehow, Nemo-Dory (voiced by Ellen DeGeneres) will make an appearance in this movie with absolutely no story at all.
The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins: This movie will be part of Robert Pattinson’s waning post-Twilight career and will feature him (badly) wearing hats situated at jaunty angles and showing off his accent.
If I Ran the Circus: This film will star Russell Brand as the harbinger of excess. A little bit of Aldous Snow, and a whole lot of G-rated awfulness.
Yertle the Turtle: This movie will be a CGI nightmare starring Andy Serkis as Yertle.
Horton Hatches the Egg: Yes, this will be a followup to Horton Hears a Who and will feature the original cast. However, it will be crappy beyond belief and make everyone forget why they enjoyed the first movie.
And a little unexpected bonus number for you…
The Seven Lady Godivas: Naturally, this will be a James Franco production.
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.