How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the RPatz
Twilight? It’s the suck. I don’t care how many posts are written about its guilty pleasures (here included) or how many intelligent, thoughtful people come to its secret shame defense, the simple truth is this: It’s a terrible franchise, written terribly, full of terrible characters. It’s also explosively dull. I saw the first three films at midnight screenings, and they were two through four on my list of worst film-going experiences (I’m saving the worst for a rainy day post). Abysmal. It’s bad enough that I had to sit through the movies, but to sit with the teenagers and the middle-aged women who go to midnight screenings? Unbearable. I swear to you, some woman threw her bra at the screen during the second movie.
So it’s hard to separate the movies, the fans, and the global hype from the actors themselves. Now, I’ve seen Taylor Lautner interviews: That guy is as dumb and dull as he is in his movies. But Robert Pattinson? I wouldn’t quite put him in the man-crush column, but he’s amusing, a clever English bloke working a job that he clearly hates. The longer the series goes on, and the fewer possible repercussions, the more sh*t he talks. I’m convinced that no one hates Twilight as much as Robert Pattinson, and the enemy of my enemy is a multimillionaire who gets to sleep with Kristen Stewart every night.
It’s a paycheck, and while I love to fault those who take them once they’ve established their careers, I’m not as quick to crap on working actors who got lucky with a part that just happened to take off. It’s like what Glen Phillips used to say about Toad the Wet Sprocket (I’m paraphrasing): “We changed our band name all the time, and when we took off, that was our band name. And now we’re stuck with it.” Pattinson, unfortunately, is stuck with Edward Cullen for the rest of his life.
What I’m saying is: Twilight is a pimple on the ass of humanity. But Robert Pattinson? I like him. The evidence as to why is presented below.
1. Robert Pattinson, on Edward Cullen: “Girls often say that Edward’s ‘sooo perfect,’ but he’s not. I do not like people who try to exert control in a relationship, when there is an imbalance. This is very wrong and very strange.”
2. Robert Pattinson, on Edward Cullen: “He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108 year-old virgin so he’s obviously got some issues there.”
3. On Breaking Dawn: “”Have sex, demon baby. No, they get married first, demon baby, Jacob falls in love with the little baby [laughs], then everyone tries to kill each other, but nothing happens. Oh, that’s the second one [laughs even harder].”
4 . “Whatever. There’s nothing you can do about it. That’s the way it is. But it is weird being part of that, kind of representing something you don’t particularly like … If I do decide one day to stop acting, I just hate the idea of people going: ‘Oh, did you ever do anything else besides that ‘Twilight’ thing?’
5. “Now that I’ve seen it, [I realize] you do need to read the book to get it. I was like, ‘What?!’ and I’m in it.”
6. “One example from Breaking Dawn? When Bella is gravely ill, due to her pregnancy, yet still wants to spend time with the third prong of Twilight’s love triangle, Jacob. “My wife is dying, I have completely f—ed up my life and hers, and Jacob’s like [To Bella] ‘Hey, baby, you don’t look too bad to me. And I’m just sitting there, like, with a bucket collecting [Bella’s] vomit. That really wouldn’t happen. I should have thrown the vomit at him.”
7. “It can get a little boring. The good news is that the whole thing is done in seven months.”