Movie fans: It’s easy to get disheartened these days, when everything seems to be coming up remakes. I know your pain. Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have lips, for God’s sake. Lips. But here are four remakes I wouldn’t mind seeing… as long as they starred Steve Buscemi.
It’s a Wonderful Life
George Bailey is a motherflipping jackass. I mean, he’s a good guy, morally speaking, but he’s also kind of a huge dick, snapping at his family and friends, taking his own disappointments out on them. It’s what makes It’s a Wonderful Life better than the light, happy-go-lucky family movie than is has the reputation of being; it’s what makes It’s a Wonderful Life great. Anybody tries to remake It’s a Wonderful Life and I cut them, unless they make Steve Buscemi Jimmy Stewart and Paul Giamatti Donna Reed. Clarence is Paul Goodman, and Zuzu is Jeff Bridges. I feel like I’ve ruined any other movie for myself.
Who doesn’t want to see a be-loincloth’d Steve Buscemi master beasts for 90 minutes?
Gone with the Wind
Who else has the charisma and charm to play Rhett Butler? Or the magnetic screen presence for Scarlett O’Hara? I say let Steve Buscemi play both of them, and everyone else, for that matter. It’ll be like Being John Malkovich, but better.
And now, for my piece de resistance…
Sit down and let me share with you my completely serious and well-thought-out rant about The Last Stand, which could have been an excellent movie had it only starred Steve Buscemi.
The basic plot of The Last Stand, for those who have not spent as much time thinking about it as I, is that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a small-town sheriff who, along with his merry band of misfits, is the only thing standing between a drug lord and his escape over the border into Mexico. That is stupid. We’ve seen Schwarzenegger take down terrorists and governments and freaking aliens; even past his prime, we know he can deal with a drug lord with his eyes closed. There’s no drama there. No suspense. But the bare bones of the plot is a pretty good set-up for an indie action comedy in which, say, Sheriff Steve Buscemi—or basically anyone who doesn’t look like they’d be able to take down drug dealers—has to take down drug dealers.
Plus the director is Kim Jee-woon, who directed the rather nifty South Korean action comedy western. The Good, The Bad, The Weird, which is exactly the mix of violence and ridiculousness The Last Stand would have been if exactly the wrong person hadn’t been cast in lead role. Go watch it on Netflix Instant; the last 30 minutes of the film is a chase scene involving horses, tanks, like three different armies, and buried treasure. It’s a romp.
Other people want to build a time machine so they can kill Hitler. I want to build one so I can go fix a 2013 comedy flop starring Schwarzenegger and Johnny Knoxville. Don’t you dare judge me.
Rebecca Pahle is the Associate Editor at The Mary Sue and the Editorial Intern for the Steve Buscemi Daily.