F**k The Academy: The 2010 Pajiba Fun Oscars
Here’s the thing: I hate awards shows. I rarely watch them, and when I do, it’s usually so I can mine them for comic relief, or spout my own pretentious blathering. It’s not that I don’t like the ideas of awards — I do. I enjoy talking about the Oscars after the fact. But the show itself always kind of bores me. Maybe it’s my lack of attention span. Maybe I’m just a surly bastard. Either way, I watched probably 30 minutes of this year’s Oscars, interspersed with writing my Drive Angry review, watching basketball, and playing Mass Effect 2. OK, there might be something to that short attention span comment.
But the other thing is that while the films nominated for Oscars are usually excellent films, they’re not always a lot of fun. And I’m a bit of a populist when it comes to movies sometimes. I like to be entertained. I like to enjoy myself. Because regardless of how wonderful Black Swan was (and it was, indeed, fantastic), it’s likely that it’s movies like Kick-Ass that are going to be the ones that I watch over and over. Perhaps I’m just not smaht or introspective enough. But there’s a reason that my news tends to focus on comic books an horror movies, as do my reviews.
So, with that said, I thought I’d go over the year’s most fun movies, and hand out awards accordingly. I’m certain that the films and players involved will all swoon upon (likely never) learning about the prestigious lauding that I’m giving, just as I’m sure that the losers will seethe with envy. But fuck it, you can’t please everyone. Also, because I am lazy and also a little bit drunk, I’m only going to focus on the main categories — who gives a hobo’s dick about the most fun sound editing, right?
So without further ado, I give you: The 2010 Pajiba Fun Oscars:
Note: All nominees and winners are graded on a complex mathematical scale combining factors including, but not limited to: sheer enjoyability, how much Scotch I’ve had to drink, how hazy my memory of the films are, laughing quotient, and whether or not my wife rolls her eyes when I talk to her about them. In other words, I’m half-assing the balls off of this.
Best Supporting Actor
Stanley Tucci , Easy A (If I was ever short a dad, I’d want Tucci to step in)
John Malkovich, Red (Playing Malkovich, sure, but Malkovich in a kilt with a crossbow)
Chris Evans, The Losers (Earned this for the Journey scene alone)
Dominique Pinon, Micmacs (This man deserves far more praise then he will likely ever receive)
Kieran Culkin, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (screw Michael Cera — Culkin stole literally every scene he was in)
WINNER: Kieran Culkin
Best Supporting Actress
Patricia Clarkson, Easy A (see comment above about Tucci, and flip it)
Helen Mirren, Red (Helen Mirren + giant-ass machine gun + wry humor = win)
Krysten Ritter, She’s Out Of My League (The best part of this movie, hands-down)
Allison Pill, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (Much like Culkin beat Cena, Pill was far more entertaining than the dull Mary Elizabeth Winstead. WE ARE SEX BA-BOMB!)
Ellen Barkin, Operation Endgame (Barkin, still bringing the hotness… only psychotic this time as well. Rowr)
WINNER: Helen Mirren
Danny Trejo, Machete (The man deserves something for his years of effort in Hollywood. Consider this a body-of-work nomination)
Jeff Bridges, True Grit (The only actual Oscar nominee, because Bridges, channeling The Dude or not, was a fucking ball in this)
Jeffrey Dean Morgan, The Losers (Just too cool)
Robert Downey, Jr., Iron Man 2 (Also too cool)
Dany Boon, Micmacs (Sweet, funny, silly, and perfect in this)
WINNER: Jeff Bridges
Chloe Moretz, Kick-Ass (how could she not be on the list?)
Emma Stone, Easy A (Oh, Olive. Where were you when I was in high school, damn it?)
Tina Fey, Date Night (I’m nearing a point where I’d watch Tina Fey do her taxes)
Kristen Stewart, Twilight: Eclipse (Hilarious. Absolutely brilliant satire, and one of the funniest roles — and films — of the year. Wait, what? It’s not satire? ::plugs ears:: I CAN’T HEAR YOU)
Rachel McAdams, Morning Glory (Those dimples could level cities, I tell you)
WINNER: Emma Stone
Kick-Ass (Chloe Moretz owned this movie, but it was a blast all around)
Easy A (one of the best teen comedies of the last decade, hands-down)
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (a bunch of uneven performances, but it still added up to an assload of fun)
Micmacs (Made most of Pajiba’s year-end lists, and got hosed by the Oscars)
How To Train Your Dragon (Fuck Toy Story 3)
Piranha 3D (nominated for reveling in its sheer, unrepentant stupidity)
Now, please proceed with the bitching.