Why Would Fox Choose to Make a Ridiculous Movie About Gambit Before These Five X-Men?
So, Fox was running with a Gambit movie that starred Channing Tatum, and then Tatum left, but now he’s back, and everything is fine. I hope this nail bitingly dramatic story entertained the hell out of you, because it’s the most exciting Gambit story ever told.
Gambit is a Cajun guy from a New Orleans Thieves Guild with an accent so ridiculous you’d swear he hated all of Louisiana. He has the power to charge small items with kinetic energy, and prefers using playing cards.
The kinetic energy of an object is the energy that it possesses due to its motion. The object maintains this kinetic energy unless its speed changes, so I guess once he charges something he has to keep shaking it or it’ll explode? Also, why does it explode? I’ve never blown up my bike stopping at a stop sign.
Anyway, who cares? He does explodey things and smokes cigarettes and he wears a trenchcoat and has a quarterstaff and he’s a lone wolf. “Someday I’ll look like this total rad dude,” artist and co-creator Jim Lee said to himself as he put the finishing touches on the quarterstaff, “and then those bullies will be sorry. REAL sorry, mon chere. And then I’ll make out with every hot chick. Or shall I say every mon cheri. Oui. Mon frere. Love that chicken from Popeyes.”
Gambit will of course be played by Channing Tatum, master of accents and playing charismatic mysterious loners. It’s going to be great.
Here are five X-Men that should have a movie before Remy LeBeau. Yes, that’s his real name. Yes I’m serious.
5. Lifeguard and Slipstream
Mutant siblings from Australia. One is a surfer and the other is a lifeguard. The lifeguard realized she had the mutant ability to ‘manifest whatever she needed to save the lives of those around her,’ which is a lazy screenwriter’s dream come god damn true. She also named herself Lifeguard because she has no creativity. “Oh it matches my job. That makes it way less confusing.” Also she turns gold? I don’t know why. Maybe it has something to do with kinetic energy.
Slipstream teleports through portals using a surfboard. Marvel thinks you’re an idiot.
But Joe, aren’t these characters stupid? Yup. Point Break meets X2 by way of Entourage. Zac Efron plays Slipstream and Lifeguard is played by a background extra from Entourage.
There’s not really much to say about Goldballs. He’s a new character and his body shoots golden balls and his name is GOLDBALLS. Can’t Hardly Wait meets Ant-Man and Daniel Day Lewis plays every role. Goldballs.
My favorite thing about the X Men is that Xavier and Magneto are a metaphor for Civil Rights, MLK, and Malcolm X.
Bishop is from a million years in the future, because that’s how long it took for the X-Men to hire a black guy. He’s also got a brand on his face because of course he does. He started out as a very pleasant black guy with a jheri curl but eventually buzzed his curls and turned into a bad guy. I can’t remember why exactly. Oh yeah. Something to do with being convinced he had to kill some white kid.
Amazing Daily Show hire worthy socially relevant jokes aside, I’ve always dug Bishop, and a ‘mutant cop in the future’ movie would be cool. Much cooler than throwing Uno cards at people. Bad Boys meets Blade Runner directed by Jeremy Lin. You’re already in line.
2. Dr. Nemesis
Who cares about what this guy does? His name is Dr. Nemesis. I will go see this movie.
Nemesis is a smart ass mad scientist that fights crime in a surgical mask. His superpower is INTUITIVE INTELLECT. How cool is that? He’s the smartest guy in any room. He’s built cybernetic enhancements for himself and he’s super rad and guys he is an arrogant prick that fights crime in a surgical mask and a cool hat.
Iron Man meets Indiana Jones by way of Sherlock. Doctor Nemesis and the Curse of the Nazi Warlock. Doctor Nemesis and the Android Rebellion. Doctor Nemesis and the Kinetic Energy Cajun Thief.
I will go see this movie as hard as I can.
Monet St. Croix is super strong, she’s got cool psionic powers, and I think she can fly. She’s like Superman if Superman was raised as Emily Gilmore’s charismatic ideal daughter. Super Gilmore Girl. Are you hearing me?
She’s a fantastically fun and layered female character and Fox would never make this movie because their slate is full of Ryan Reynolds making Spice Girl references and 80’s teens fighting a big raisin in armor. Seriously I hate to just dwell on this but M is fantastic and Gambit says ‘mon ami’ at the end of like, every other sentence. No one says mon ami, Gambit. French people probably don’t even say it because you ruined it.
You ruined it.