Christmas movies are pretty much the best.
Everyone has a few they love, and a few they hate, and every year on December 25th we gather with friends and family to argue over who is right about their movies and who is a complete idiot that should shut up forever. We do this to celebrate the story of the first Christmas, when Mary and Joseph couldn’t agree what to watch on Netflix while waiting for the angels and wisemen to show up.
For instance, my favorites are Bad Santa and Scrooged. I love watching that kid ask Billy Bob about what kind of sandwiches he should make and how many, and every moment of Scrooged is twisted and weird and perfect. But even I, Joe Starr, who tragically saw The Matrix more than 20 times in the theatre (a bunch were at the dollar theatre, OK!) gets tired of watching the same movies. Maybe you do, too.
So here are five really weird as hell Christmas movies that maybe you’ve never seen, didn’t remember, or had just put on the back burner. Well, it’s time to bump A Christmas Storyand put on one of these bad boys. It’s fine, you can just pick it back up later in the 24 hour marathon.
RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE
This movie is one of the damnedest things I’ve ever seen. An archaeological dig in Finland unearths the real Santa Claus, and he’s a crazy murder beast with an army of demon elves at his command. The only thing in his way? A small, very odd looking boy that rocks the shit out of a Christmas sweater.
SANTA CLAUS VS THE DEVIL
Something else was going to claim this spot on the list but then I discovered this movie about Santa and Merlin teaming up to fight the devil and I can’t stop watching it. I love insane D movies like this, and I’d love more than anything to have lunch with the people that made it.
I AM SANTA CLAUS
Such a sweet and odd little documentary. Follow the lives of five different professional Santas during their busiest time of the year. And guys, no nudity at the buffet table.
SANTA WITH MUSCLES
Screw you, everyone in the world who didn’t make sure I knew this existed. We are not friends.
THE LIFE & ADVENTURES OF SANTA CLAUSE
My favorite Rankin Bass movie. Long before movie studios started cranking out origins of popular old characters in hopes of making millions with new franchises, these stop motion geniuses adapted the weirdest fucking Santa: Year 1 you can possibly imagine, featuring teen Santa and an ancient immortal called The Great Ak.
Join me in being a person that sings IM-MOR-TAL-ITY whenever he poops.