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We’re Gonna Have the Hap-Hap-Happiest Christmas Since Bing Crosby Tap-Danced With Danny Kaye!

By Brian Prisco | Lists | December 21, 2010 |

By Brian Prisco | Lists | December 21, 2010 |

Whether it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, or simply trying to have a family vacation, John Hughes knows a thing or two about spending quality time on that good ol’ Holiday Road. Fresh from my own 17 hour, multiple layover, rain to ungodly cold holiday jaunt, here’s a few helpful holiday tips for travel we’ve learned from John Hughes movies.

culkin_home_alone_scream.jpg1. A prompt and orderly schedule will prevent most of the mishaps of the season.

“WE SLEPT IN AGAIN!” - Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

Scrambling around at the last minute is bound to happen — with the chaotic nature of the holidays, something is bound to go awry. But avoiding dashering and dancering about can ally such traumatic experiences like leaving on an oven and causing potential fires, forgetting to lock a door to allow burglars easy access to your goods, or leaving your youngest child to fend for themselves while being pursued by vengeful psychopaths. A happy holiday is one not spent in the intensive care ward or at Child Protective Services trying to reclaim your 14 newly-fostered children. This usually leads to tears, bad feelings, and Home Alone 3.

11491-14967.gif2. Be kind to those folks working behind the counters.

“How may I help you?”

“You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks! And you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!”

“I really don’t care for the way you’re speaking to me.”

“And I really don’t care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn’t fucking there. And I really didn’t care to fucking walk, down a fucking highway, and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”

“May I see your rental agreement?”

“I threw it away.”

“Oh, boy.”

“Oh boy, what?”

“You’re fucked.” — Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

It’s a stressful season for everyone and we’re all just trying to get home to our families. I’ve been on both sides of this equation: as the employee at the bookstore getting hollered at for running out a certain book or because our prices are so high. I’m not Baron von Barnesandfuckingnoble. I don’t run the store. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be wearing a plastic lanyard around my neck and a Santa hat. I’d be drunk on nog, bitch. Go to Borders. I’ve also been the irate customer attempting to avoid an extra $15 because my suitcase weighs 51.3 pounds. Please, allow me to wear four sweatervests until my fucking arms stick out like Randy in a Christmas Story, just so your airline can avoid the precious wear and tear on their airplane since that extra weight is going on the plane in the same fucking direction anyway. Only now, it’s going on my extra sweaty ass which now seeps into your seats and causes a delightful eau de swampcrack. Feliz na’vibutthole!

Look, we’re all pissy. Don’t take it out on the worker bees. We all just want to get home to our honey.

dutch3.jpg3. It’s those lesser-known family members that can be all the fun on road trips.

“What do you like to do for fun? Oh you like to wiggle and grunt. Me too.” — Dutch

There are certain relatives we just seem to avoid, for personal reasons or certain smells or what have you. Maybe they’re constantly stuck in a corner, using salt shakers and a Ohio State souvenir chessboard to explain how a wall around Mexico would be offset by raised prices on strawberries. You’re not going to see eye to eye with everyone. But sometimes an extended conversation, say while going out to get some more alcohol for the eggnog or picking up the platters at the local grocery store, can force you to bond and find that common ground. You might learn interesting facts. Or you might get further traumatized. Either way, coldcuts and nog!

1569812_f520.jpg4. Be nice to the crazy family members who hauled themselves from far and away.

“What are you looking at?” “Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn… the clean, cool chill of the holiday air… an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer…”

“Shitter was full.” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

I hauled my ass across this great continent of (some of) ours just to join the lunar convergence of several of my family members who have scattered to the four winds. The Giants game wasn’t just an amazing victory for the Eagles, it was an opportunity to avoid awkward conversations with some of my kith and kin. I would have had to take unbearable amounts of shit. Now, I get to hurl it. Judiciously and prudently. Like doing victory laps shouting E-A-G-L-E-S at Newark Airport at 5:30 AM this morning. They may be insane, they may be kooky, but their your family. And so enjoy them and be nice to them for coming from far away. Besides it’ll give you shit to write about in the Comment Diversions and you might win fabulous prizes!

planes-trains-automobiles.jpg5. Always travel with John Candy.

“Allow me to introduce myself, Gus Polinski. How are you? Polka King of the Midwest? The Kenosha Kickers? No? That’s okay I thought you might have recognized— …Anyways I had a few hits a few years ago. That’s why I… Polka, Polka, Polka? Polka, polka, polka… No? Twin Lakes Polka… Domavougi Polka A.K.A. Kiss me polka…polka twist?” — Home Alone

Even dead and grossly overweight, he’d still make better traveling companions than a majority of the people on the roads and transportation these days. Gus, Del, Uncle Buck. I’d road trip with any of these dudes.

Happy holidays, and may you get to where you’re going safe if you’re going anywhere at all!

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.