According to Variety.com, Goosebumps is using a mix of family friendly marketing and 90’s nostalgia (and, to be fair, apparently being a pretty fun movie) to conquer the box office this weekend. While a lot of success should be attributed to a lack of family friendly films in September, the marketing teams behind Goosebumps know very well who wants to see this movie, and they have the 90skid hashtags to prove it.
This of course means we will see 36 more 90’s books (or as they were known at the book fair at school, CHAPTER BOOKS) franchise movies in the five years. They are clearly after all, A SURE THING. CAN’T MISS MONEY MAKERS.
I can’t forGIVE anyone for this movie. GIVE me my money back! Right guys? Infinite high fives!
Here’s five 90’s books I wouldn’t mind seeing on the big screen. Where did we find these books?
DO YOU EVEN BOOK FAIR, BRO?!
My Teacher Is An Alien
This series starts with three kids realizing that their teacher Mr. Smith is an alien named Broxholm. It eventually ends with a psionic slug alien named Poot connecting the entire world telepathically. I think. It’s been about 25 years. Anyway, give this sucker to Brad Bird and some studio gets four films worth of cool kids proving to an Interplanetary Council that Earth is worth saving. Hell, split the third book into two movies BECAUSE REASONS.
Sideways Stories From Wayside School
These fucking books. They are why I am the way I am. Evil dead teachers that haunted mashed potatoes, Miss Zarves who teaches on the 19th floor that doesn’t exist so there can’t be a Miss Zarves, a backwards chapter…These books broke my brain and very much feel like Rick And Morty for kids. I want Dan Harmon to adapt and Key and Peele’s Peter Atencio to direct, and I want author Louis Sachar to apologize to my loved ones.
A group of kids gain the power to transform into any animal they touch and defend the Earth against the Yeerks. It’s a war of beasts! One might even call it…Beast Wars? Which is what I was expecting when I heard about them for the first time but THERE IS ZERO RHINOX AND CHEETOR IN THESE BOOKS. That should have been a warning on the cover. I’m honestly trying to keep directors realistic here, but how insanely dumb and wonderful would Zoobooks meets Power Rangers be if it was directed by Michael Bay? “I touched a cheetah…and my sense of patriotism.” *snarls and growls but doesn’t move because cheetahs might be fast but these colors don’t run*
Harriet The Spy
JOE THERE WAS ALREADY A HARRIET THE SPY MOVIE.
Yeah. In 1996. Spider-Man has been rebooted four times since then. This is actually a really wonderful book about a very odd girl that does some very odd, innocent but hurtful things, and has to navigate the consequences. Amy Poehler should direct the shit out of it.
The Indian In The Cupboard
Sooo…this trilogy needs some reworking and adapting, but if my young brain remembers correctly, the book was largely about this little white kid and how he didn’t know shit about the Native Americans he paired with cowboys during play. These books also inspired me to do a giant research project about the Iroquois in the third grade. For no reason. That’s a positive, right? There’s some goodness here, and a five movie series ain’t nothing to sneeze…Wait.
There are five of these?