Halloween is this weekend, and you’ve got to ask yourself one question, punk: Trick…or treat? And if your answer is treat, and it probably is, because honestly who would pick trick? Why is it even an option? Like I get the upside of picking ‘truth’ in truth or dare but there is no upside to trick just wave your bag and scream CANDY until candy is in the bag.
Anyway, if you’re a treat type of person, what kind of treat person are you? Are you a cool house that gives rad candy? Or are you some asshole that gives out the five shittiest Halloween candies? Because if you’re some asshole, I hope you get tricked so hard. Right in the face.
Let’s all put our cards on the table right now: malt is disgusting. It tastes like a person you immediately regret kissing. If I order a milkshake and I am given a malt, the next day you will see my face on the news with people saying ‘yeah you know, he’s always been so quiet…not a violent bone in his body’ under the headline ‘Entire Town Burns.’ These little balls of fuck are just as bad and if you give them to children you should be put on a registry.
4. Bottle Caps
Aww but they’re from the Willy Wonka company! News flash, fucker. The Wonka Chocolate Factory in the movies isn’t real. You can’t take a trip with Grandpa Joe there. And if you decided to take a trip to the real Wonka factory, you’d find out that all they make is chalk and then call it candy. I bet you think Smarties are delicious, too. Well I hope that your Smarties necklace attracts ants and they bite you.
3. Nestle Crunch
Yeah let’s start drawing some lines in the sand, people. My side of the line is correct. Nestle Crunch would be a terrific chocolate bar if literally every other chocolate bar in the world didn’t already exist. I’d rather eat a Payday, and eating a Payday is a punishment in some states. Fuck me with holy Greek lightning but I’d rather eat a Krackle bar and those things are the Anna Nardini of the Hersheys miniatures bag.
2. Almond Joy/Mounds
One of these has nuts and they both have coconut and if you like them I bet you’ve saved clippings of Cathy comic strips that you especially liked. If you eat enough of these things you become an anti vaxxer. They’re what Rand Paul’s hair tastes like. These candy bars taste like what gun control arguments feel like: 20% seething anger, 40% coconut, and 40% wishing your cousin Daryl would shut the fuck up for once in his life.
1. Rainbow Twizzlers