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Passion of The Christ.jpg

Five 3D Remakes that Would Break Your Brain

By Dustin Rowles | Lists | March 2, 2010 |

By Dustin Rowles | Lists | March 2, 2010 |

As everyone already knows, 3D movies are the wave of the future, and the great thing about 3D movies is that it’s almost like your inside them. But then again, there are certain movies you probably don’t want to be inside of.

Here are Five 3D Remakes that I’d want no part of:

5. The Bourne Supremacy: You think Paul Greengrass’ violent shaky-cam technique is nauseating now? Imagine it in 3D? And now imagine the person sitting next to you in the theater retching all over your 3D glasses.

4. What Dreams May Come: Ever known what it felt like to be thrown-up on by a rainbow? That’d be the experience of watching this movie in 3D.

3. The Passion of Christ: You know what’s more unsettling that watching a ten minute scene where Jesus Christ is flogged unmercilessly? Watching it in 3D. Blood would rain out of Jesus’ gashes and spray inches from our faces, and knowing certain audiences, they’d line up to get drenched on.

2. Antichrist: Visions of a fox tearing out its own entrails in 3D? A furiously sadistic hand-job that elicits spunk blood in 3D? A self-inflicted cliterectomy in 3D? You know what the last thing I want floating in front of my face? A man’s bloody ejaculate.

1. Pink Floyd’s: The Wall: In the right setting, and with the right substances, The Wall can be a fun little trippy movie (it is otherwise kind of dull). In 3D? While ball trippin’? Imagine Edvard Munch’s “Scream,” and then imagine it swallowing your head. The Wall in 3D might short-circuit your brain. You know when you’re riding that perfect acid trip — everything’s a lovely shade of happy, and you’re perfectly content to feel the colors with your fingers — but you decide that you don’t want it to end. So you double down the hits and you wake up in a nightmare that won’t go away. Welcome to The Wall — 3D.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.