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F*ck, Marry, Falcon Punch: Famous Trios Edition

By Jodi Smith | Lists | May 3, 2017 |

By Jodi Smith | Lists | May 3, 2017 |


You know the drill.

The Lonely Island: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, and Andy Samberg.

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Fuck: Akiva, because he’s the one I know the least about and mystery is sexy.

Marry: Jorma. LOOK AT HIS FACE. HE’S ADORABLE.

Falcon Punch: I’m so sorry, Andy. But not sorry enough to fuck you.

Charlie’s Angels, 00’s Edition: Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and Lucy Liu.

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Fuck: Lucy. She’s goddamned gorgeous.

Marry: Drew, because it would end in divorce and I could remarry.

Falcon Punch: Cameron, I’m so sorry that you lose. Kinda.

Marvel Cinematic Universe: Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor

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Fuck: Thor. They don’t call him the God of Thunder for nothing.

Marry: Cap. I want to be legally bound to that booty for all time.

Falcon Punch: Iron Man. Get it? Falcon Punch? MY HUSBAND’S BUDDY WILL SMACK YOU, TONY.

Destiny’s Child

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Fuck: Kelly, I guess. She seems cool and like she wouldn’t make it awkward next time we saw each other.

Marry: BEYONCE. ALL DAY EVERY DAY. MAKE HER YOUR QUEEN.

Falcon Punch: Sorry, Michelle. I’m sure you’re very nice, but —

Mario, Luigi, and Bowser.

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Uhh. I think I just went completely off the rails, kids. Perhaps you should pick some trios to reduce to sexual objects in the comments.




Jodi Smith is a Senior Reporter, Film & Television at Pajiba. You can email her or follow her on Twitter.