You know the drill.
The Lonely Island: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, and Andy Samberg.
Fuck: Akiva, because he’s the one I know the least about and mystery is sexy.
Marry: Jorma. LOOK AT HIS FACE. HE’S ADORABLE.
Falcon Punch: I’m so sorry, Andy. But not sorry enough to fuck you.
Charlie’s Angels, 00’s Edition: Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and Lucy Liu.
Fuck: Lucy. She’s goddamned gorgeous.
Marry: Drew, because it would end in divorce and I could remarry.
Falcon Punch: Cameron, I’m so sorry that you lose. Kinda.
Marvel Cinematic Universe: Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor
Fuck: Thor. They don’t call him the God of Thunder for nothing.
Marry: Cap. I want to be legally bound to that booty for all time.
Falcon Punch: Iron Man. Get it? Falcon Punch? MY HUSBAND’S BUDDY WILL SMACK YOU, TONY.
Fuck: Kelly, I guess. She seems cool and like she wouldn’t make it awkward next time we saw each other.
Marry: BEYONCE. ALL DAY EVERY DAY. MAKE HER YOUR QUEEN.
Falcon Punch: Sorry, Michelle. I’m sure you’re very nice, but —
Mario, Luigi, and Bowser.
Uhh. I think I just went completely off the rails, kids. Perhaps you should pick some trios to reduce to sexual objects in the comments.