Dreamcasting a Potentially Not-Terrible Version of That Live Action 'Winnie the Pooh'

By Vivian Kane | Lists | April 2, 2015 |

It was announced today that Disney is planning a live action Winnie the Pooh movie. Does that sound to you like it would be 90 minutes of woodland creatures being adorable?

That doesn’t sound like the WORST idea of the day (that title goes to Netflix’s Full House reboot), but I think we can do better. Here are some casting ideas that could go a long way to guaranteeing this movie becomes something we’d actually want to see. I don’t even care what the shooting style is— motion capture, community theater headbands with felt ears glued on, I don’t care. Just give me this cast.

Christopher Robin

The sole human, this boy could literally be played by any child actor in Hollywood. Or anywhere. Can you express wide-eyed wonder? Great, you’re hired. You know who I’d like to see more of, though? Rohan Chand, that kid from Bad Words.

That kid is awesome. This movie, though, is supposed to be about an adult Christopher Robin returning to the Hundred Acre Woods. So may I suggest someone who still projects that childlike wonder, but with a full range of young adult emotions?

Rabbit

The persnickety, irritable, rules-oriented (but lovable!) friend should be played by J.K. Simmons.

Alternate option: SWINTON

Piglet

Energetic and curious to a sometimes irritating degree. Also very, very small. The casting is clear: invent a time machine, and get About a Boy-era Nicholas Hoult. (He and Rohan Chand may be interchangeable here.)

Kanga

If memory serves, Kanga’s a pretty boring character. Her entire personality can be distilled to “mother.” You know who’s an awesome fictional mother, loving and protective like Kanga, but also complex and f*cking badass, like real-world mothers? Constance F*cking Wu.

Roo

Roo is energetic and playful, like Piglet on Adderall. Let’s get Nasim Pedrad for this one. “But Vivian,” I hear you say, “Nasim Pedrad is a grown-ass woman, not a small child.” To which I remind you that she does a dead-on Aziz Ansari impression, who is himself basically the (technically adult) human manifestation of Roo.