I hate everything. You know how they say haters gonna hate? (Which, by the way, went from making sense to suddenly becoming some kind of get out of jail free pass for anyone making a dumb decision or really doing anything at all.) Well, I am that hater. And I am going to hate. Usually my articles focus in something sad that’s happened and try and find some kind of light, peaceful resolve out of it. The truth is, I’m mostly kind of a rotten person who is a little bit OVER daintily sipping from the positive outlook on life, and currently drinking heavily from the rage filled drama of darkness. And lo, t’was a heady brew!
Every Single Baby on Facebook
Babies, farts and slippers — I spec’ your own are okay but other peoples are the absolute worst.The other night I was drinking with a few friends and we pulled up photos of the ugliest babies in our Facebook feeds. The competition was fierce, but I’m pretty sure I won. (No Pajiba related babies were harmed in the making of this article.) I get it. All you do is hang out with your baby and take pictures of it for the Internet, but there’s this thing called group text messaging and maybe you can like relegate your child to that hemisphere instead of intruding on mine. Oddly, I never see any photos of babies I might actually be interested in. No cousins, relatively few of my godson, but strangers and acquaintances babies? Oh, Facebook is all. over. it. ENJOY, screams Facebook. ENJOY THESE NOT SO WELL-TAKEN PHOTOS OF A CHILD YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT. In fact, this issue was so near and dear to my heart I wrote it into my short film I made. Someone compares photos of babies on Facey to sacks of mashed potatoes. It is a strange and terrifying thing that this opinion of mine has never wavered, but if you’re gonna hate something, hate it, you know?
Going to the Movies
I used to go see like four movies a week. The thought of going into a movie theater basically gives me hives now. I’d go see Spring Breakers again in a heartbeat though. I’m sick of being placated by movies, or trying to find more to say than just “It was fine.” about a given film. Wow me, dazzle me, scare me senseless, try to break through the monotony that resides so deep in my addled consciousness that I daydream about checking my phone during boring scenes. I’ve got Movie ADHD and need the Five Hour Energy of Spring Breakers, the Adderal of To the Wonder, the Ritalin of Before Midnight. Give me something to hang on to or just STFU, please.
People Who Didn’t Get My April Fool’s Jokes
Anyone who posted something mundane on Facebook this year got me in their comments going “LOL, best April Fool’s joke ever.” Or some asinine variation therein. Someone posted his band’s new single. Click. Someone asked for a recommendation on where to eat in Ashland, OR. Click. Someone else posted a wedding photo. Heh heh, click. Anyway, at least three people clarified that their update wasn’t a joke to which I wanted to angrily reply, “No, YOU’RE A JOKE.” But instead I just gritted my teeth and X’d out of there. I have a problem with starting fights on Facebook over punctuation, grammar and other such wildly important issues. Also I can’t stand when people confuzzle the Google Box with them thar Facebook Box and ask dumb questions that are so easily answered.
I sometimes start stories to my best friends with “Sooooo, I was on Facebook” and everyone braces themselves. I’m basically not allowed to use Facebook anymore. See also…
People Writing Lazy or Insane Comments on Instagram
The crap people feel is acceptable to write on everyone else’s Instagram is mind boggling. How stupid can people be? Real stupid. Someone posted a picture of a Death Eater tattoo from Harry Potter, clearly on the guy’s forearm, and someone writes “Is this an inner thigh tattoo?” Or people who just basically have opinions about anything happening in the photo. “Where is this taken?” In front of the HOLLYWOOD SIGN, DUMMY. “Not a great idea to use a shock collar.” It’s not a shock collar, it’s a regular one with a bell on it. If you want to hate the world, go read any celebrity Instagram comments. Randos asking for the celeb’s phone number, as if that’s even a thing. What, she’s gonna give it to you and you’re gonna call her? “How’d you two meet?” “Oh, well, I was a creeper twice her age lurking on her Instagram for like, geez, it must have been years! And then, out of a sea of requests, she gave her number to me after the seventeenth time I asked in the same comment thread alone. What can I say, I’m a romantic.”
Everyone on Twitter
For many moons now I’ve had to avoid Twitter as much as I can, as I’ve mostly populated my feed with other movie journalists. Who may, in fact, be the world’s worst people. Twitter is just filled with people bragging about how they’re on fancy press junkets I didn’t get invited to, or writing about movies I didn’t get to see, or working for outlets I wanted to work for forever. Twitter is just a dark alleyway and there’s no light at the end of that tunnel. For whatever reason, I’ve never been cool enough to sit at the cool kids table, some people I WORK WITH still choose to ignore me in this medium, even though I rarely post and never post anything inflammatory. Just another dumb way to feel left out or get your feelings hurt. Over it.
These days I just furiously type my acerbic, decimating comments in all three mediums and then just click out of the window so they don’t actually post.
Wanting to Email People I Really, Really Shouldn’t
You know how sometimes you think “Ha, ha, maybe I should email X and see how they’re doing in Sweden, even though they’ve kind of blown me off a couple times I’m sure pouring more energy into this sinking ship is a great idea! After all, we had a really great conversation that one time and…” ::head explodes:: Just take your exploded head away and do something more productive with your time. Or write your shameful email and send it to your best friend, who will shame you further for being a weak willed, lily-livered monster with no self respect!
Married Dudes Who Want To Be Friends With You
Why not! Blow up at me, Internet! See if I care! I Do Not. Get. This. Infernal. Show. I like sci-fi. I enjoy long running shows. Binge watching television is one of my favorite activities. I’ve seen at least four different episodes of this show, with different doctors, and I could not recoil fast enough. I get that people I love and respect, love and respect this show, but I cannot wait for it to either die down or people to become grotesquely obsessed with some other dumb thing I just “won’t get” or whatever. And you know what? I am not alone and I will not be silent any longer. There are dozens of us out there. DOZENS!
The Unclear Future
Dude, screw the future. I was listening to a This American Life about this guy who lived every day as if he was looking for adventure, and believed that Doing Things was Awesome and Made For A Better Story etc. I think that too! But, it’s kind of hard to live that way a little bit. Writing hasn’t been this expansive clubhouse where I’ve been welcomed in with open arms. I thought this would all be a little bit easier, but after six years and after slowly having every component of my job taken away from me, I’m thinking I’m not supposed to be a writer, at least not the way I thought I was. But then, nothing has really turned out the way I thought it would. But the turning out hasn’t happened yet, so it’s too early to worry. Do Awesome Things and Have Great Stories is the theme of this year. Also stop staring at computer screens so much for a living.
Off to hate something else, I pray I live to hate another week.