There are really only a few basic, classic monster movie ideas — vampires, werewolves, Frankenstein, the undead, swarms, and giant creatures. That’s the bulk of ‘em (though perhaps not all), when you think about it. Each of them has some classic films associated with them, and each has been reimagined in dozens, if not hundreds of iterations over time — some fun, some silly, some dead serious (ha. dead. get it? oh, fuck off).
So as a special treat, I’ve decided to give you a glimpse of a few upcoming projects representing some of the goofy-assed bastard children of these classics. Most of these are destined for the DVD bin, or worse, the SyFy channel. All of them look like they, when paired with a few stiff drinks and a couple of good friends, could make for a hell of an evening.
Strippers Vs. Werewolves:
“Jeanette, the club’s careworn owner, believes murdering customers is bad for business, so she orders the club’s bouncer to quietly dispose of the body. And there the matter should end … if Mickey hadn’t been a member of a bloodthirsty and vengeful pack of werewolves. When Mickey’s corpse surfaces, Jack Ferris, the werewolves’ charming and vicious leader, swears bloody vengeance and sends his pack out to hunt down the killers. Little does he know, Justice is actually the fiancée of his second in command, Scott. To make matters worse, Justice bites Scott during sex and now may be infected with the curse of lycanthropy herself. Add to the mix werewolf Barker, the masturbating man-child; Sinclair, the occultist with low self-esteem; and a bevy of the most beautiful women this side of heaven and you have the perfect recipe for balls to the wall, frenetic, skimpily clad, strippers on werewolves action-packed goodness.”
“Assigned by a covert government agency, a mysterious vampire and a rogue cop reluctantly join forces against a brutal maniac and his legion of killers. Christopher Lambert (“Highlander”), Lance Henriksen (“Aliens,” “The Terminator”) and Oscar nominee Brad Dourif (“The Lord of the Rings”) star alongside Michael Bailey Smith (“The Hills Have Eyes”) and Brennan Elliott (“The 4400”) in this killer, action-packed blend of “Blade” and “Die Hard”!”
“Frankenstein’s Army takes place toward the end of World War II, as Russian soldiers push into eastern Germany and stumble across a secret Nazi lab, one that has unearthed and begun experimenting with the journal of one Dr. Viktor Frankenstein. The scientists have used the legendary Frankenstein’s work to assemble an army of super-soldiers stitched together from the body parts of their fallen comrades - a desperate Hitler’s last ghastly ploy to escape defeat.”
“1964 - A strange red egg, shaken loose by atomic testing, hatches an immense, fire-breathing dinosaur with a penchant for beer. Only “brilliant, young American scientist,” Dr. Dick Harvard, can stop him with his atomic molecule blaster. But then things go awry… and meanwhile, Notzilla is partying hard.”
“The Pack follows Charlotte (Emilie Dequenne), a beautiful but rough around the edges kind of girl, who drives a beat-up station wagon in the countryside of northern France. Her journey takes a turn when she picks up a mysterious hitchhiker (Benjamine Biolay), with whom she strikes an unusual bond. Stopping at a roadside diner, her new companion strangely disappears, and Charlotte finds herself knocked unconscious and held captive. She soon encounters a peculiar and disturbed woman, La Spack, (Yolande Moreau), and discovers that her blood is being used to feed a “pack” of flesh-eating ghouls.”
“There’s something in the water… again. And this time no one is safe from the flesh eating fish as they sink their razor sharp teeth into the visitors of the best summer attraction, The Big Wet Water Park.”
Aaaand, to tie it all together — Monster Brawl:
Set in the tradition of a Pay-Per-View main event, comes a grotesque and hilarious fight to the death featuring a cast of eight classic combatants in all. Along with their colorful managers, these Monsters compete in visceral bloody combat in the ring to determine the most powerful monster of all time.