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Can't You Give Us All a Break? Can't You Stop Breathing? The Five Reasons "Torchwood" (Starz Version) Should Be Cancelled

By Cindy Davis | Lists | August 2, 2011 |

By Cindy Davis | Lists | August 2, 2011 |

The latest bit of “Torchwood” news to seep out from the Starz underbelly is heartening; the cable channel’s CEO says the show “may not be an annual event.” Dude, it really shouldn’t be an event ever again (at least not on your network). The abomination that is “Torchwood: Miracle Day” is an affront both to fans and to the show’s previous writers. Heck, even John Barrowman has lost his spark; he’s like Captain Jack on ‘ludes, just going through the motions. “Hey, I’m here and I’m pretty—but I’ve lost my immortality and my will to live! Just give me a paycheck until I can find something better to do.”

If our time-traveling hero can still find his cojones, he should ask to be killed off immediately. Barrowman has the perfect opportunity with Harkness’ newfound vulnerability and anything has to be better than sharing a screen with those other bumbling idiots. (Just do it man, save yourself and whatever dignity you still have left.) But, in case Captain Jack does make it through the entirety of Series 4, here are the Five Reasons the Starz “Torchwood” should be cancelled.

5. Torchwood Is No Longer Recognizable. It’s one thing to wipe out the majority of a show’s cast and yet another to also take away the setting and everything that identified the show. The only reminders of what we knew are Barrowman and Myles; both are playing mere shadows of their former selves, throwing in a “Torchwood!” here and there so we don’t forget what we’re watching.

4. “Torchwood: Miracle Day” Is Not Series 4, It Is a Reboot. We were duped! According to Russell Davies, the show was simply moving countries—we now know he is a completely untrustworthy liar. This shit is a reboot of the worst kind; vapid, with the stench of stale writing and cheesy actors. Of course it’s a redo and it’s worse than when ****Series 2 SPOILER**** Owen was neither alive nor dead. Like Owen, “Torchwood: Miracle Day” fumbles about recklessly, depressed and unable to enjoy itself … lingering in agony.

3. They Messed with the Coat. Shouldn’ta messed with the coat. Look how happy Jack used to be; he’s miserable now. It threw everything off.

old coat.jpg
new coat.jpg

2. The Writing and Characterizations is Terrible. Where is the camp? Where is the fun? Where are the alien critters? To be sure, the old “Torchwood” had its heavy times and “Children of Earth” was severe, but “Torchwood: Miracle Day” has gone off the deep end. Where the humor of “Torchwood” was intentional, we are now left laughing at the childlike stupidity of CIA analyst Esther Drummond and other assorted inept doctors and agents. The episodes we’ve viewed so far have been written by no less than five different writers and yet the continuity of lameness has been preserved, so perhaps for that kudos are due?

1. Mekhi Phifer1.jpg

In what may be television history’s worst casting and acting fiasco (OK, I admit to being a teensy bit melodramatic here; the worst is really Eliza Dushku in any role she’s ever had.), Mekhi Phifer has single-handedly pulled down “Torchwood: Miracle Day to a new level of bad. Is this the same guy who used to be on “ER,” because I don’t remember him being so mind-bogglingly awful? The gasping, grunting and groaning, the beyond soap-opera-ish overacting and the stilted speech pattern (without Will Shatner’s endearing charm) are so distracting as to equal massive failure. All we want is for Captain Jack to figure out how to reverse this Miracle Hell Day, so that Agent Rex Matheson will put us all out of our misery and just die.