In lieu of a standard recap, we’ll be doing a Monday morning b*tch rank for the rest of the 7 episode run of “Downton Abbey” on PBS. I know some of you may have somehow seen the rest of Season 3 already. We won’t ask you how, but we will ask that you refrain from spoiling any law-abiding Americans in the comments section below. So please feel free to discuss everything up to and including Season 3, Episode 2 of the PBS version of “Downton Abbey.” But, before you do, here’s this week’s b*tch ranking.
5. Lady Mary: Lady Mary is usually Queen B*tch around these parts, but she’s still enjoying some afterglow from her honeymoon. Nonetheless, she still displays some of her frostier tendencies to Matthew in regards to his moral qualms about money and what she perceives as his reluctance to save Downton. She also opens his mail against his wishes. Yes, yes, it all works out nicely for them both in the end and yes she even managed to muster some nice words for her sister on her wedding day, but she still display enough self-righteous b*tchery to land her on the list.
I can only hope that before everything went pear shaped, Mary took a moment to realize that Edith’s wedding dress was much prettier than hers was.
4. Lord Grantham: For sewing the seeds of doubt in Sir Anthony and for generally sh*tting all over his daughter’s happiness.
3. Thomas Barrow: Now that O’Brien and Thomas have turned their b*tchery on each other, there’s bound to be many innocents caught in the crossfire. I’m inclined to give O’Brien a little bit of leeway because she’s primarily fighting on her nephew’s behalf. And I already love that new Ginger Footman, mostly because he looks a bit like an Edwardian Landry. But Thomas, that Dastardly Valet, involved poor Mr. Mosley in his scheme this week. Not okay.
Don’t mess with poor Mosley, he’s the runtiest little puppy.
2. Cancer: Cancer is always a b*tch and even though we discovered this particular lump was benign, Cancer ranks this week for making Mrs. Hughes cry. The upshot, of course, is that we got to see how much Carson cares about her well-being. Not that we had any doubts.
1. Sir Anthony Strallan: To borrow a phrase from the Ginger Footman, this “broken down old
cock crock” had the audacity to bail on Lady Edith on the day, in the church, in front of everyone. In addition, he had the unmitigated gall to leave her with a “goodbye my dearest darling.” Ugh, no terms of endearment, Strallan. Make a clean break. Poor Lady Edith.
Be afraid of Carson’s death glare. Be very afraid.
“Sybil, vulgarity is no substitute for wit.”
Most Heartbreaking Moment:
“I’m a useful spinster. Good at helping out. That is my role.”
Joanna Robinson accidentally typed “Dowager C*ntess” in the first draft of this recap. If she didn’t live in awe and fear of Maggie Smith, she would have let it stand.