The Washington Post broke the shocking news yesterday morning that Woody Allen is very much a creepy bastard. I am shocked. Shocked! They did add more than a little background in the form of fifty-six boxes of Allen’s personal notes and musings held at Princeton University, because Princeton is set on making sure they stay second to Harvard apparently. I don’t know why anyone would collect fifty-six boxes of notes and musings. I don’t know why anyone else would want those fifty-six boxes of someone’s notes and musings. But I do know that those fifty-six boxes of notes and musings were just filled to the tits with one shocking detail: Woody Allen treats teenage-girls like empty vessels for his sexual, and therefore artistic, gratification.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
The artist who brought us such stellar works as That One Where The Dweebish Guy Gets The Very Young, Super Hot, Vacant Girl and That Other One Where The Dweebish Guy Gets The Very Young, Super Hot, Vacant Girl and That One Where The Dweebish Guy Gets The Two Very Young, Super Hot, Vacant Girls Set In The Past might just have some issues with being sexually preoccupied with girls who legally can’t drive yet, let alone engage in intimate relationships with grown men. Which means we should all be watching for these breaking headlines in the coming days:
“Most Fish Exceptionally Bad At Flying”
“Bears: Large, Hairy Animals”
“Peanut Butter Is Delicious”
“Paul Ryan Wins Eddie Munster Look Alike Contest”
“People Seem To Like This ‘Game of Thrones’ Thing”
“10 Out Of 10 Dentists Say Meth Is Bad For Teeth”
“Donald Trump Is Bad At President”
“Something About Popes Shitting In Woods”
“Everything. Literally Everything Is More Shocking Than Finding Fifty-Six Boxes Of Additional Proof That Woody Allen Is A Creepy Bastard Who Mistreats Women. Because He’s Been Telling Us This For His Entire Career. He’s Cast Himself As The Love Interest To Much Younger Women Forever. He Married His Step-Daughter (Don’t Try To Get Technical With Me, That’s Who She Was). He Molested His Daughter. He’s Been Telling Us About How We Shouldn’t Be Surprised If He Got Caught In A ‘Love Nest’ With 12-year-old Girls AKA Raping Children. That’s Who This Guy Is.”
“Hollywood Collectively Decides To Stop Letting Creepy, Old, Talentless Bastard Make Any More Movies”
Actually that last one would be shocking and amazing. Let’s hope WaPo has a reason to investigate.
The header is from Difficult People, which was too beautiful to last and unafraid to take on powerful directors including a great Woody Allen episode. Emily Chambers continues to believe someone else will realize the romantic lead potential of John Cho. You can follow her here.