As we stand close to the end of civilization as we know it, AKA the release of the new Ghostbusters movie, we got to thinking about the nature of recasting an original story and how it inevitably leads to anger among the people who love the original, or perhaps more than one someone who just likes to yell at clouds. Which led us to the creation of a brand new Pajiba concept: “Break The Internet,” where we’ll pick a beloved classic movie that has not yet been re-made or hasn’t in a long time and put together a cast for such a new film. The challenge is two-fold, it must be both infuriating to the masses yet also actually seem plausible casting for a major studio to actually greenlight.
For the first attempt at this series, I selected the ultimate summer movie, Jaws. Coming from a world where the CGI shark will never break down on filming, where the audience is possibly far too used to fast paced action to enjoy the pacing of a good old fashioned monster movie set on the waves, where bad hats are just hipster fashion and there’s gear a little more high tech than a shark cage, the Jaws of today would be a vastly different beast than that of 40 years ago.
Just to be clear, this is not a real remake, this is not a real remake, this is not a real remake. It is still safe to go back in the water. I present to you, the cast of the Jaws remake:
Chris Pratt as Sheriff Martin Brody:
Why he’d get picked: Pratt has been a go-to for major franchise roles, with both his starring turns in Guardians of the Galaxy and Jurassic World, as well as being shortlisted to be young Harrison Ford in both the Han Solo prequel film and a speculated young Indiana Jones franchise. Add in the small town ‘aww shucks’ charm he displayed as Andy on Parks and Recreation and you can believe that Pratt would be the sheriff of a town like Amity.
Why y’all mad: Pratt might be simultaneously too charming and goofy, while also being a bit too dashing a leading man to fill Roy Scheider’s shoes. Brody after all isn’t an Amity native, he’s a big city cop who moved to the island with his family and he butts heads with the Mayor over how to do things. Scheider plays a bit of a dry, sometimes stiff character who is frustrated and annoyed, something that hardcore fans might raise an eyebrow about with a Pratt casting. Toss in the “he’s already in too many franchises!” argument and the tweets about how lazy the studio is and how that bodes bad for the movie practically tweet themselves.
Kristen Wiig as Mary Hooper
Why she’d get picked: A gender swapped Hooper wouldn’t be a huge shock, and might be something the studio would see as less of a risk than say, the entire cast. Wiig also is skilled at playing smart characters who can be a little offbeat, not unlike Richard Dreyfus’ Hooper from the original film. She’s well versed in playing someone who doesn’t always win, which means she could handle the dismissal of the town’s leadership when they don’t want to hear that the shark is still out there.
Why y’all mad: Again, the tweets write themselves. Yet another male-driven film gets plucked out of the pool and has a woman forced down our throats. Suddenly a bunch of dudes who couldn’t have given a shit about Dreyfus’ entire career would start talking about how important he was to their childhood. Before any plot details of the movie came out, there’d be speculation that they were gonna force a romantic plot in for Hooper and Brody. (Interestingly enough the original novel did feature an affair between Hooper and Mrs. Brody) Even the fact that Dreyfus would definitely be cast as Mayor Vaughn in a nod to the original would meet cries of pandering and selling out.
Jacob Tremblay as Michael Brody
Why he’d get picked: An element to the many children of Jaws that wasn’t present in the mother of the blockbuster is the precocious child who has a significant amount of screen time. While Michael Brody is put into danger in the first film when the shark swims into the lagoon, he’s a relatively minor role. The remake would see him getting too close to his father’s shark hunt for the old man’s liking. He might even stow away on the Orca to join the crew at sea.
Why y’all mad: ‘They’re turning it into a kids movie!’ the shouts would cry, lamenting the Disneyfacation of our culture and how everything needs to be soft and safe. Oh and I’m guessing most of them would never have seen Room, so they’re probably going to know him as that kid from the Pete’s Dragon remake.
Ken Watanabe as Quint
Why he’d get picked: With a pedigree of summer blockbuster movies (or attempted ones) like Godzilla, Inception, and Batman Begins, Watanabe is a solid journeyman of American movies and a goddamn workhorse of Japanese ones. His portrayal as the titular character of The Last Samurai (I refuse to consider Tom Cruise that character) could translate well into the alcoholic Quint who has been through some shit, while bringing some representation to the film as well. Would his death be a sacrifice to save young Michael Brody? Yeah, probably.
Why y’all mad: Because racism.
Bryan Singer as the Director
Why he’d get picked: Considering that Singer’s production company, Bad Hat Harry is a Jaws reference, it feels like the Usual Suspects and X-Men director would literally murder anyone who stood between him and this movie.
Why y’all mad: Okay, yeah he’s not Zack Snyder or Brett Ratner, but the internet hates Bryan Singer. You remember when it was announced that he was coming back to direct the X-Men movies after First Class (which everyone seems to forget that he wrote)? I do.
Disagree with my choices? Great. This is where you come in! Drop down to the comments and give us your internet-breaking casting choices for a Jaws reboot. Points for funny, but remember part of the game is that it has to seem like something that could happen.