A Wolf Is At the Door. We Must Not Let It In.

By Rebecca Pahle | Lists | January 27, 2017 |

By Rebecca Pahle | Lists | January 27, 2017 |

You might think this post is about politics. It is not. That particular wolf is already through the door, has crashed on our couch, and drinking all our booze. This post is about something—arguably?—more important. OK, no, it’s not even remotely more important, but I have strong feelings about UGGs festering in my cold, bitter heart, so I have to address it:

We’re staring a ’00s fashion revival right down its frosted makeup-wearing face.

It’s going to happen. There was a ’60s fashion revival in the ’90s and a ’70s fashion revival in the aughts, with the “boho chic” obsession. The ’80s fashion revival is always sort of there in the background, puking up neon and Members Only jackets. Now, we’re deep into a ’90s fashion revival. Just last year, I went into a Claire’s and saw an entire wall of those plastic choker things, which isn’t a sentence I thought I’d type in 2017, but here we are. Every time I see a 17-year-old wear one of those, a little bit of my soul dies. I wasn’t cool enough to wear them then, and I’m too old to wear them now. (Also, they are stupid.) I run a novelty Twitter called @BadBuffyOutfits (plug plug), and I have had multiple youths respond to atrocious BtVS ensembles with “What are you talking about? That’s really cool!” You sweet summer children. You fools.

But that’s nothing, because once the nouveau nineties thing wears off, we’re going to cycle around to the ’00s. Vogue published an article called “Here’s How to Wear Dresses Over Jeans Like a Street Style Star” three months ago. But there’s still time. We can prevent the fashionpocalypse. We can stand up and defend ourselves from:

Lace-up pants

(Actually, everything in this post should be launched into the sun.)

Low-cut pants in general

… and the Robin to their fashion Satan Batman, the whale tail

UGGs

(Except UGG slippers. Those are fine.)

Skinny belts…

…and skinny scarves

Velour jumpsuits with “Juicy” stamped across the ass

Trucker hats

Dresses over jeans

Fedoras

Pleated minis

Chunky highlights

Denim on denim on denim on denim on denim

Handkercheif tops

Capris

Studded belts

Bootcut jeans

Satin camo pants

Tube tops

and finally

Ed Hardy