Some people will tell you that the only life lessons to be gleaned from horror movies are no sex and no drugs. Those people are probably too busy drinking beer and paying for sex to realize there are so many more wonderful things to be learned from horror movies. That’s why you have me. Sort of.
If you are getting ready to have some hot and heavy sadness/possibly reconciliation sex at 4 A.M. and someone knocks on your door, do not answer it.
Long-distance relationships will only lead to your body being used as a vessel for a long-dead, evil child to convert her demonic curse from VHS to digital.
Feed your children only enough to survive so that when they are eventually convinced to murder you by Bughuul, their tiny arms will be unable to start the lawnmower or tape you to a chair.
Before making any important decisions you should take a deep breath, count to ten, and not shoot the people in the car with you.
If you find a book bound in human skin, written in blood, and with text telling you “don’t read this”, you should sell it on Craigslist and put your sister in a medical facility for detox.
Don’t trust anyone on Craigslist.
The Monster Squad
You know what? Wolfman does got nards.