You’re going to sit down, and we’re going to talk about Harry Potter, because people don’t appreciate Hufflepuff enough, and I’m sick of it. I was working a Harry Potter midnight party once, back in my Barnes & Noble days, and we had every kid dip their hand into a hat and pick out a slip of paper saying what house they were. One kid, my Hufflepuff self distinctly remembers, pulled out a ‘Puff, and their face fell, because Hufflepuffs are laaaaaame. The argument goes: They’re not brave enough for Gryffindor or smart enough for Ravenclaw or cunning enough for Slytherin. They’re nice.
But excuse you. Hufflepuffs are all about hard work and determination and fairness. We’re not showboaters like some houses, and if you mess with one of our own we will fuck you up. We get shit done. And what’s lame about accepting everyone? That’s metal as hell. We’re breaking down social barriers, one kitchen run at a time. Because we’re right next to the kitchens.
We also have these fictional characters, so that’s pretty cool, too. PUFF PRIDE. JOIN US.
One of Hufflepuff’s most commonly cited traits is loyalty. We define ourselves in sizable part by our relationships with others. Friends, family, whatever—if they’re our tribe, we have their back. Zuko’s crisis of conscience over whether to turn his back on his (evil) father and sister was so intense that it sent him into a goddamned coma. Dude’s more Hufflepuff than Helga.
Wesley from Daredevil
Hufflepuffs make the best consiglieres. My kingdom for more evil Hufflepuffs.
Mad Max wants to help people, and when he cant, it screws his brain up all to hell. In his Tom Hardy incarnation, he spends the vast majority of Fury Road running support for dyed-in-the-wool Gryff Furiosa. He even gave up the lead role in his own movie to her, because dammit, she’s awesome and people need to respect that.
Brienne of Tarth
Brienne of Tarth is the most Hufflepuff character Game of Thrones has going (OK, she’s tied with Davos), but fuck it, Jaime Lannister is a Hufflepuff, too. He’s what happens when the the vast majority of the people a ‘Puff has to be loyal to are absolute shitbags.
Obviously. He and Han make up the Hufflepuff Badass Brigade. Han can try and be all “Ooh, I’m such a rebel, I don’t need anyone,” but the man imprinted on Luke and Leia like baby duckling five seconds after meeting them. He has a big marshmallow center that can only be filled with friendship and camaraderie. Dude was genuinely hurt when Lando gave him up to Darth Vader, even though they are both opportunistic scofflaws, c’mon Han, really. I can see Slytherin for him, too. Slytherpuff? Either way: Not Gryffindor. Not all good guys are Gryffindors. Get out of here with that shit.
I’m willing to go 50/50 with Hufflepuff and Gryffindor on Cap. The whole “leap blindly into dangerous situations with no thought as to very dead they may leave me” thing is Gryffindor to the bone barrow. But. But. Hufflepuffs are all about hard work, determination, loyalty, acceptance, and fair play, and Cap has all of those character traits written out in his diary, in pink glitter pen, surrounded by hearts and stars. He’s a hatstall. Bucky is ‘Puff through and through.
Winston from Hannibal
All dogs are Hufflepuffs.
Veep is full of Slytherins (politics and ambition do go hand in hand), but Selina Meyer’s bag-man is all Hufflepuff. Maybe a bit too Hufflepuff. I’d say Amy is, too—she was incredibly loyal to Selina (remembered that faked miscarriage) up to the point when she just couldn’t justify it to herself anymore, and even then she ditched her own TV op and hied to Meyer HQ so she could be with her former boss on election night. She knows hard work; she can eat hummus with a pen cap. Tom James is Slytherin.
Wilson the Volleyball, Cast Away
Though you can make a case for Ravenclaw.
He doesn’t have friends. He has family. And Corona Light. I’m 98% certain that Vin Diesel is a Hufflepuff, too. And he owns a Hufflepuff scarf he bought off Etsy. I would be happy to have coffee with him to erase that 2% doubt.
I’m not crying you’re crying.