Hulu, with next to no advance warning, released Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s 2016 Election Special Thursday morning, and every political comedy writer in late night should probably make sure they update their resume over the weekend, because their bosses will want to know why their material isn’t as witty as what Robert Smigel does with a puppet and a Go Pro. You could splice together the year’s best political moments from Late Night With Seth Meyers (which is doing an excellent job with the 2016 election), Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show, and even Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, and the ensuing product wouldn’t approach these 90 minutes. Feel the burns, indeed.
Not all the segments are available on YouTube — a brilliant spot where Triumph and the Dell Dude try to interview Ted Cruz, Triumph putting a surprisingly likable Mike Huckabee through an insult boot camp, and Tim Meadows impersonating Ben Carson to unwitting diner patrons — so make sure you watch the entire special. Just wear headphones if you’re at work, unless you don’t mind your boss knowing what a dog puppet humping the leg of an unwilling college student looks and sounds like.
The Democratic Debate
TRIUMPH: “Are you a blogger?
GIRL: “I am a blogger.”
TRIUMPH: “Good, so you’ll be listening closely to the candidate’s plans to help the unemployed.”
O’MALLEY SURROGATE: “Martin O’Malley is actually doing well.”
TRIUMPH: “Yes, he’s one point ahead of Mario Lopez in the polls right now.”
Just going to list all the rapid-fire burns related to the debt clock because it’s impossible to single out a winner.
“This clock represents the national debt, and also the number of people who don’t know who John Kasich is.”
“This just in: it’s also Chris Christie’s step-on scale.”
“I’m being told it’s also the number of minorities Donald Trump wants deported.”
“It also represents the number of orgasms Carly Fiorina has not had.”
“It’s also the number of times Bernie Sanders gets up in the middle of the night to pee.”
“It’s also the number of personalities Hillary Clinton has tried on this campaign.”
“It’s also the number of people who have exited a Jeb Bush town hall and said, ‘Meh.’”
College Kids and PC Culture
After Triumph gets a girl to define trigger warning:
“Ok, let me do one. Trigger warning: In this video, there will be the clear depiction of a dog pretending to be interested in what a college student is saying, while at the same time making plans to pleasure himself to her at a later time.”
Sidenote: CHECK OUT THE FACES THIS GIRL MAKES DURING THE JOKE!
“Wait, wait, wait: did you just say first-year orientation? Shouldn’t you be saying, ‘first-year Asian-entation?’”
“Frat boys. I think that’s a very offensive term. Instead of frat boys, how about ‘Rapist-Americans?’”
SWIPE LEFT: “I think we should break up the banks.”
TRIUMPH: “Then how would you access your parents’ money?”
Here are some of the amazing name tags he gives the kids
The segment’s two best gags — replacing dirty talk with PC phrases, and making the students describe a flamboyant black guy to a police sketch artist using only PC terms — don’t easily lend themselves to one-off soundbytes, so watch the full clip.
REPORTER: “Both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders now support Barack Obama’s plan to allow babies to choose their own gender at birth. Your thoughts?”
TRUMP SUPPORTER: “How is the baby supposed to make that decision?”
REPORTER: “Especially with the new revelation that Planned Parenthood of California is now sponsoring mobile abortion vans, providing abortions in the van for low income neighborhoods. They even supply ice cream. Do you folks see this as a vindication for Carly?”
FIORINA SUPPORTER: “I didn’t hear what you said.”
REPORTER: These Trump supporters are fired up, especially with the latest revelation about Planned Parenthood that they’re handing out pamphlets to high school students in New York and California advocating fisting as an alternative to having sex. Your thoughts?”
TRUMP SUPPORTER: “As a parent, I guess I would prefer that information to come from the family, rather than the school system.”
REPORTER: “At a town hall in Davenport, Iowa last night, Jeb Bush is quoted saying, ‘Mommy said this would be easy. You’re all making mommy sad. Mommy is my favorite. Mommy said if I was president I could lick the bowl.’ What does that say to you about this man? Is he fit to be president?”
TRIUMPH: “This is a prank. We’re from a new show called People Are Incredibly Gullible and Should Not Be Allowed to Vote.”
REPORTER: “We’re here at a Donald Trump rally and his supporters are fired up. And he needs their support amid recent controversy after a speech last night where he announced plans to sterile Puerto Ricans until we quote figure this thing out? What do you say to those who think he’s gone too far?”
TRUMP SUPPORTER NO. 1: “He’s just saying what everybody else believes.”
TRUMP SUPPORTER NO. 2: “I don’t think he’s gone far enough.”
TRUMP SUPPORTER NO. 3: “He isn’t saying it meanly. He’s just saying it so people understand the consequences of their actions.”
RICK SANTORUM: “I’m not for sterilization for any reason.”
RAND PAUL: “That sounds like the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
I won’t spoil the closing bit, which savages Chris Christie in an awkward, pants-pissing way. I’ll just say it involves a school chair, pizza and a gurney.