Although the Super Bowl is famous for the commercials being more entertaining than many of the games, the regular season this year has been plagued by the most irritating ads this side of late night public access. And it’s not just that these are lousy commercials, it’s that they actively inspire a simmering homicidal rage in me, the instant the first couple seconds roll. If that’s not bad enough, these commercials play incessantly. I don’t think it’s necessarily that hyperbolic to estimate that the commercials listed below added up to a solid 50% of the total commercials broadcast. Toss in the pile of Geico commercials and sitcom promos and you’re accounting for a good 80%.
8. Every Lexus and BMW commercial. There is nothing that I hate more than smug entitled middle aged jackholes and their expensive cars.
7. The GE Electric Car Commercial. Check that, there is something that I hate more than smug entitled middle aged jackholes and their expensive cars and it that is smug entitled twenty-something jackholes and their expensive cars:
6. The Cialis commercials. Why are those old people sitting in matching bathtubs outside? I know this is has been complained about before, but it seriously disturbs me every single time. The only thing more disturbing to my fragile young mind than geriatric sex is imagining what possible kinkiness these old people are up to that it requires them being outdoors in separate bathtubs. Just what is in these pharmaceuticals?
5. Droid snowmen. Why is there a robot living inside this snowman and why does it have Droid cell phones for eyes? Next time it snows, remember, Motorola may be hiding Skynet under your front yard:
4. The Slate Chase credit card commercial in which the infuriatingly smug woman spends approximately six billion dollars on her credit card, while explaining with the calm cheerfulness of a cult leader passing out koolaid that they can pay off stuff like diapers every month and “for the larger things” take a little longer. I hate this couple. I hate their three matching cribs and babyseats. I hate the bobbleheaded assertion of “oh don’t worry about it, we can just borrow and borrow and borrow and it will be fantastic because of our pretty blue credit card.”
3. The Bud Light Dragon outfit commercial. I don’t appreciate the message condemning a man for wearing matching dragons on pants and shirt. That’s the sort of wardrobe that everything great in this country was built upon.
2. The Microsoft Windows Phone commercial. I’m pretty sure that Microsoft has not managed to run a truly successful ad campaign in the last three decades. “I’m a PC!” “Windows 7 was my idea!” It’s like they keep hiring the ad agency who does all of the Apple advertising without realizing that all those guys use Macs and so use their talents to produce commercials that subtly make fun of Microsoft. Like this new one featuring the Windows phone. It is actually a very well done piece ripping into the idiots who can’t seem to go thirty seconds without twitterfucking away on their iPhone or Blackberry. Of course the core message boils down to: “look at all these people who love using their phones so much that they won’t put them down. We’ve got the solution: a phone so shitty, you won’t want to use it at all.”
1. Call of Duty: Black Ops. The gameplay trailers with the Rolling Stones soundtrack are incredible. This one feels absolutely transcendent upon first viewing: the army of everymen, doctors, business men and women, attractive and not, even an ice cream vendor pulling off the classic dual pistol march. They’ve got Kobe Bryant in there along with Jimmy Kimmel. The problem is that although the metaphor works (anyone and everyone can play the game) it also is chilling on repeated viewings. Look at it literally. You’ve got a representative group of American civilians fighting their way through a shelled city, massacring each other with grins on their faces. Play a different soundtrack in the background and you have one of the most disturbing commercials ever filmed. And of course this commercial debuts right as the Supreme Court is hearing Schwarzenegger vs. Entertainment Merchants Association, a case that will determine whether California can ban the sale of violent video games to those under eighteen. Smart move Activision.