Remember last week when Vivian told us how
Kim Kourtney Kris a Kardashian had a vagina product? I’ve been mulling that over for the past seven days while considering writing this post. And this morning I thought to myself, “Well, I’ll just wait until someone else gives us bad advice about what to do with our vaginas.” I’ll just wait till we get more bad advice. Because it is not a matter of “if” but “when” another celebrity/lifestyle guru/quack will tell us something stupid to do with our vaginas. There’s a proud history of bad ‘gina advice, and it’s about time we started calling out the bullshit. Here are just a few of the most important things to remember when deciding to put something inside of you.
(This post is unfortunately very cisnormative. This is in no way to exclude vagina-having-dudes or non-vagina-having-ladies, but only to speak about the history of vagina-having-ladies being made to feel their vaginas aren’t up to par. Or the horrific crossroads I like to refer to as the corner of Patriarchy Rd. and Consumerism Way.)
Do feel free to insert fingers, penises, tongues, and hands if you’re adventurous. Keeping in mind all of the practicalities about condom use and general cleanliness of said hands/penises/tongues/hands. Also, sorry, Mom.
Don’t use douches. I could have just called this whole post “Don’t Use Douches.” Because seriously, don’t. There are no proven medical or hygienic benefits of squirting flower-smelling liquid into your nether regions, and plenty of reasons not to.
Do feel free to use sex toys. It’s not a $15 billion a year industry for no reason. Go find a little something for yourself.
Don’t use sex toys with toxins in them, though. Yeah, turns out having a wildly sex-negative society sometimes leads to problems with sex toys. Plenty of plastic and rubber sex toys are made using phthalates and other chemicals, which can cause rashes and other negative reactions. Because this is a “novelty” sex toy which is meant to be looked and laughed at, not actual used for sexual purposes. You slut. Buy from reputable sex shops, and read your label carefully.
Do use tampons, menstrual cups, pads, bunched up toilet paper, actual rags, whatever. A lot of those things don’t go in your vagina, but you’re on your period, so you just do whatever you want. As soon as someone starts lecturing you about how you really need to switch to a menstrual sponge because it doesn’t have any “chemicals,” just walk away.
Don’t put steam in your vagina. Ever since Gwynie advised we all steam clean our vaginas, I’ve been wondering how a woman who pushed a couple of kids out of hers knows so little about basic anatomy. Because steaming your vagina will never “cleanse your uterus” due to a little thing called your cervix. But even if it could and even if there were no negative side effects (which there are), who the fuck goes to a spa so they can sit on a hot toilet? Get your fucking nails done, get a massage, sit in an actual steam room if you want. But don’t waste an afternoon of pampering sitting on the can.
Do follow all medical advice from a trusted physician. If your doctor tells you they/you need to put something in your vag, it’s probably best to listen. Get your annual pap smear (which will mean inserting a speculum and cotton swab), ask about IUDs if you don’t want kids in the next five years, maintain an open conversation. And just in case there’s any hesitation about talking to your doctor, as a person who worked at a medical clinic, I can assure you we’ve heard it all before. I literally once opened a package from a patient that held an unsolicited stool sample, and my only thought was, “So it’s Tuesday?” It would be very hard to shock most medical professionals.
Don’t put basically anything else on/up your vulva/mons pubis/vagina. Special vagina wipes, fragrances, vajazzling tools, laser wands that might burn your actual vagina, douches (seriously, don’t douche), any product that says it will make you feel “clean” or “fresh.” Those things are all lies. They’re lies decades in the making that tell you there’s something inherently dirty or gross about your vagina. And ladies, your pussy is fine. Don’t believe them. Because the people trying to push you to buy rose scented vagina wipes now are the same assholes who told your grandmother to put goddamn Lysol into her vagina so your grandfather would want to keep fucking her. For real.
You can understand why we can’t ever trust you again, right, advertisers?
Not only is it a lie that your vagina is inherently gross, it’s even wronger than just being a lie. Your vagina is actually an amazing little self-cleaning oven that at most will need some warm water and maybe a little mild soap. That’s it. It smells like a vagina because it’s supposed to. It sometimes secretes stuff because it’s supposed to. And no drug store product will change that. More importantly, if you’re so concerned about the smell/discharge/condition of your vagina that you’re willing to stick some weird over the counter shit inside it, then you have to go to the doctor.
And of course, you might be arguing that me telling women what to do with their vaginas is no better than corporations telling women what to do with their vaginas. To which I would like to calmly respond, don’t be a fucking idiot. That line of thinking makes you sound like a real douche.