It’s March, and the curtain just fell on the 2016 Oscars. Which means it’s time to figure out which movies no one has yet seen will take home a golden statue in 363 days. There is literally no better time for this exercise than right now. Thought leaders prognosticate; they don’t procrastinate. Did George Dubya Bush put off invading Iraq until he gathered the information needed to make an informed decision? SHIT NO! Bush guessed like a goddamn boss and let history be the judge. That’s why he’ll be the fifth head on Mount Rushmore one day, and Black HUSSEIN Obungler can’t even get elected to a third term.
We take our predictions quite seriously here. Dustin can pay anyone to scan the 2016 release calendar and pull out the Oscar bait. A crippled transgendered holocaust survivor dying from a rare blood disease strikes up an unlikely friendship with a laid-off meerkat voiced by Christopher Plummer? THERE’S YOUR FAVORITE! No, he gives me six skunked Keystone Lights and a pallet of Teddy Grahams each month to bring you the expert analysis you can’t get from insider trade pubs. These are educated guesses only in the sense than they haven’t yet come true. The outcome is inevitable. Invest accordingly.
London Has Fallen — A foreign-set drama starring Morgan Freeman about a Butler’s unwavering loyalty to the president? LOCK IT UP!! If there was ever a reason to drain a 401k and liquidate assets, it would be to bet on London Has Fallen to win Best Picture at 900,121-to-1.
Miracles From Heaven — Is this Jennifer Garner-led weeper about a young girl inexplicably cured of her IBS the next Room? Unequivocally yes. Nine nominations, minimum.
The Birth of a Nation — Brett Ratner’s bold, all-black remake of D.W. Griffth’s seminal
Drumpf campaign ad love letter to the Ku Klux Klan is exactly the type of high-risk, high-reward endeavor the Academy respects. Yes, the cast is primarily African American, which will disqualify the film for many voters. But those African Americans are playing KKK members. Could help offset AMPAS’ inherent prejudices.
Criminal — Kevin Costner, the man behind the most deserving, least-racist Best Picture winner ever, may finally find himself back in the Oscar conversation with Criminal. Costner plays the titular lawbreaker (felony public masturbation with intent to distribute), whose mind is implanted with the memories and skills of a CIA agent in order to stop an international terrorist. Oscar bait, sure, but critics lucky enough to catch a secret screening at the Latvian International Film Festival breathlessly compared it to Face/Off. Said one respected reporter, “I would rather rip my own face off and use it as a jizz rag than see this movie again.”
WarCraft — Every year a comedy kicks down the Best Picture door. We’re betting WarCraft, starring Fantasy Tropes, Irregular Viggo Mortensen, and Rejected Character Designs Pillaged From a Dumpster Outside Weta Digital, is this year’s surprise nominee.
The Purge: Election Year — Liberal Hollywood can’t resist a realistic, well-crafted political yarn. A 24-hour period where all crime is legal may seem farfetched in March 2016. Remember, though, Oscar voting will take place a month into president Drumpf’s first term. Doesn’t appear so outlandish now, does it?
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Tracking Shot
Tyler Perry, Madea’s Hashtag Black Lives Matter
David O’Russell, No One Cares I’m a Dick to Women
Stephen Daldry, I Could Get a Nomination for my Wedding Night Sex Tape
A woman, LOL Fuck Outta Here Kathryn Bigelow Already Won This Century’s Female Directing Oscar
American White Male as Grizzled Hero, Historical Drama
American White Male as Person Who Lost/Gained Significant Weight and/or Plays a Disabled Individual, Oscar Bait
British White Male as American White Male, Contemporary Drama Involving Topical Social Issues
American White Male as Whitewashed Gender-swapped Biopic Role, Wasn’t Harriet Tubman Black?
Eddie Redmayne as Suge Knight, 2traight Outta Compton
British Lady as Person with Accent, Boring-Ass Period Drama
Meryl Streep as Herself, Let Me Explain How That Thing I Said Wasn’t Racist
Comedic Actress as Comedic Actress in a Serious Role, Cancer Movie
(other two spots unfilled as these were the only three lead roles given to women in 2016)
Best Supporting Actor
Septuagenarian as Acerbic Old Person, Here’s Your Career Oscar
Well-Liked Older Actor as Person Reprising Iconic Role, Nostalgia is a Hell of a Drug
Famous Person as Guy Who Was Really the Lead Actor But Avoided the Category to Maximize His Winning Potential, War Movie
Respected African-American Actor as Thug, I Know, I Know, But I Deserve an Oscar Any Way I Can Get It
Marco Rubio as GOP-5000, Terminator: Raypyst Baybay
Best Supporting Actress
Jonquil Cressida Kinsley as Quirky Indie Star, Breakout Role
Middle-Aged Actress as Embattled Wife, Can’t Get Lead Roles Anymore After Turning 40
Emma Stone as Sassy Black Friend, The Soundtrack is Always Better than the Movie
Precocious Child as Cute Scene-Stealer, Please Don’t be in a Cinemax Original Movie in 5 Years
Kate Winslet as Brian Byrd’s Lust Object, Kate Winslet Can Get It