You may have noticed that Sony’s getting a little desperate lately, at least as far as their thwipping Spider-Man movies are concerned. The Amazing Spider-Man and its sequel made a good chunk of change. $708.9 million worldwide for The Amazing Spider-Man 2, in fact, despite most critics taking a well-deserved shit all over it. But—and I don’t think I’m exaggerating here—no one gives a flying, swinging, or otherwise mobile fuck about the Spider-Man reboot franchise. Fucks that are given extend to “Well, Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone are cool,” but then they get to the realm of the actual movies, and the fucks proceed to shrink and shrivel until they are dessicated former fucks incapable of making any little fuck babies.
And that’s a major problem for Sony, because they have two more Probably-Not-So-Amazing Spider-Men coming out, plus Sinister Six and Venom movies, plus a movie about a yet-unspecified female character who might be a young Aunt May. Who’s also a spy. Yeah. With five movies in the pipeline, they’re squeezing as much out of the one money-making franchise they have as they can, but what they’re squeezing out is something no one wants to drink. Like OJ with extra pulp and little squirrel gonads floating around for extra flavor. Even Andrew Garfield is overwhelmingly unenthused.
That’s why the Aunt May news, while weird, is weird in a predictable way, because of course Sony would basically say “People are excited about Agent Carter, right? That those other guys are doing? DO THAT!” All I can say to you is: Good luck. And if that doesn’t work, here are seven things you can do instead.
Recast Channing Tatum in every single role.
What, you thought these would be serious suggestions? LOL OK. Sorry, Tatum haters (henceforth to be known as “Taters”) (Dustin). I can’t hear you over Charming Potato being cast in Coen Brothers and Tarantino movies. Bring on The Amazing Spider-Man 4: Swing Up 2 Da Streets.
Bring back J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson
I don’t care what you have to do to make this happen, Sony, you do it. I want J. Jonah to squint at Garfield!Spidey and ask him if he’s changed his hair… didn’t he have an emo swoop before? Dayum, Aunt May, you look decades younger than I remember! Dermatologists must hate you!
Challenge Disney to a game of roshambo over the Spider-Man marketing rights
You see the near absence of movie-branded Amazing Spider-Man toys? That’s because, while Sony has the rights to make movies, Disney has the rights to make merchandise, which is a pretty swift kick in the nuts for Sony given how important toys are to superhero movies. And not just in terms of money, either—being able to walk into Target and buy an Emma Stone!Gwen Stacy action figure (oh, who’m I kidding? When do stores actually stock female action figures?) is the sort of thing that keeps enthusiasm up in the key kiddle demographic. That Sony can’t make its own Spider-toys isn’t what’s killing the franchise (I would argue that’s “bad movies”), but shit, it’s not exactly good. When am I going to be able to buy a six-inch tall plastic Paul Giamatti who spits out hackneyed phrases in overaccented Russian when you push a button on his back? Why does the world hate me so?!
Just start making good movies.
Look at that, I do have a serious suggestion.
Make all the rest of the movies nothing but these 3 gifs on a loop.
Alternatively, hire the guys behind Italian Spider-Man
Just say “fuck it” and sell the whole thing to Marvel
This is something a lot of people have been saying Sony should do, because they want Spidey to finally be able to join his Avengers brethren. Frankly, I don’t think it would work. Marvel has their films planned out until 2019, and Spidey’s an important enough character that you can’t just shoehorn him in at the last minute. Even if Marvel plans way ahead to introduce him after Phase III ends… I don’t know, I just don’t see Spidey fitting into the MCU as it currently exists. But giving him up would get Sony the money to buy the rights to what is sure to be a blockbuster franchise: GOBOTS. Get on that.
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