Last week David Hasselhoff released another terrible music video in a long line of terrible music videos last week.
The thing about the Hoff’s videos is that they want so badly to be funny, with their tongues pushed so firmly into their cheeks they’ve broken through the skin, but come up way, WAY short. And look at that video up there. Time travel? Dinosaurs? This could be gold, with either a touch more self-awareness or a whole lot less. It’s a mess. But for some perspective, here are seven other videos that nailed the absolutely no self-awareness thing, and also had no time travel OR dinosaurs, therefore automatically making them worse than that Hasselhoff mess.
Paris Hilton, Nothing In This World
Setting aside the fact that this song is terrrrible (that’s probably going to be a given for most of this list), be warned that if you choose to actually watch the video, you may end up covered in your own vomit by about the 30 second mark. Because sure, rolling around in a (by the looks of him) barely teenaged boy’s bed and rubbing all up on him in your underwear is TOTALLY sexy and not at all disturbing.
Mr. T, Treat Your Mother Right
Mr. T wearing short shorts, singing about the importance of motherhood? I’m sorry, how did this video end up here? It clearly belongs in the #1 spot on the list of BEST THINGS TO EVER EXIST IN THE WORLD.
Scarlett Johansson, Falling Down
This video makes the list for the sole reason that it’s F*CKING BORING. Do you want to watch Scarlett Johansson get her mascara applied and hair curled, cut together with shots of those inflatable dancing car dealership man-things? I mean, maybe you do.
If that’s not your thing, then I’m sorry for this.
Heidi Montag, Higher
What starts off looking like the most amateurish of soft core porn quickly turns into an assault on your brainspace.
Lindsay Lohan, Confessions of a Broken Heart
Oh, you know, just hanging out in a bathroom glass case of emotions in a ball gown with my rosary because Lindsay Lohan is a master of symbolic subtlety.
Crispin Glover, Clowny Clown Clown
Once again, the line between worst thing ever and batshit crazypants amazing is sometimes hard to discern. That line is where Crispin Glover lives his entire life.
Eddie Murphy and Michael Jackson, What’s Up With You?
No words. No… no words.
Just kidding, this video is perfection.