Tom Tykwer and The Wachowski’s cinematic gamble, Cloud Atlas, opened this weekend to divisive reviews and a disappointing box office haul. My Pajiba colleague, Dan Carlson, didn’t spare any scathe or bitch in his review of the film. And while I respect both Dan’s view of this specific movie and his general philosophy that any film adaptation should be able to stand on its own, I cannot help but admit that I fell head over *ss for this gorgeous mess of a film. Did it have flaws? Oh, hell to the yes. Could the filmmakers have avoided the yellowface controversy by casting the same actors without “asian” make-up/special effects on their face? Indeed. That particular setting is a fantastical, futuristic South Korea. If Tykwer and The Wachowskis were committed to using the same actors to maintain the narrative thread, then white people could easily have populated the various echelons of society. Why, then, am I willing to overlook the flaws? Quite possibly my love is a residual one left over from the hours I’ve spent with David Mitchell’s incomparable novel. But all I can do is offer my honest reaction: unabashed admiration. Even for the sh*tty bits. So here, folks, is some (spoilerific) Cloud Atlas love. Choke on it.

Because Although There Was Regrettable Yellow Face

There Was Also White Face

And…Green Face?

Because If Short Skirts Don’t Do It For You

Then Low Slung Pants Surely Will

Because Of The Astonishing New Faces

And The Reliable Old Ones

Because Of The West Side Story References

And That Thing He Did

Because, Aw, David Keith Keith David!

Because Tom Hanks Works Really Well With Kids

And Children Too

Because Fellow Ben Whishaw Fans Should Form An Orderly Q

Because, Listen, We All Loved Blade Runner

And That First Matrix Movie

Because Of The Pretty Women

And The Prettier Dudes

Because Of The Awkward Way Tom Hanks Smokes Cannabis

And The Badass Way Halle Berry Smokes Cannibals

Because Hugo Weaving Let Them Do This

And Hugh Grant Let Them Do This

And, Most Of All, Halle Berry Let Them Do That

Because The Soundtrack Alone Will Crack Open Your Heart

But Bae Doona’s Tears Will Tear It To Pieces

Because Of The Way The Film Rallies Around Underrepresented Minorities Like Homosexuals

And The Elderly

And, Uh Replicants

And…Scotsmen?

Because Of Old Souls

And Old Seoul

Because Of The Vulcans

Because Of The Daleks

Because Of The Happy Endings That Weren’t In The Book

And The Sad Endings That Were

Because Of The Terrible British Accents

And The Seamless American Ones

Because Of The Actors You Expect To Play Villains

And The Ones You Never Would

Because Of The Bits Of David Mitchell’s Writing That Didn’t Translate Well To The Screen

And The Ones That Most Definitely Did