1. A new scientific study showing that 8 out of 10 teenagers will reflexively do the Carlton dance whenever hearing the music of Wham! despite having no knowledge of “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” is the single greatest demonstration of EVOLUTIONARY PROGRESS of the 21st century.
2. Dexys Midnight Runners’ “Come On Eileen” is the greatest one-hit wonder of the ’80s.
3. The least-discussed Emmy snub this year was Steve Carell’s guest performance in “The Office” finale.
4. The single best television acting performance from the past five years was Margo Martindale’s turn on “Justified.”
5. The world did not appropriately grieve the death of Falco (“Rock Me Amadeus”), who died of injuries suffered after his car was hit by a speeding bus. RIP, Johann Hölzel. Your genius will never be truly understood.
6. People who give their baby pun names should be shot on sight. (I’m talking to you, Rob Morrow. Tu? Really?)
7. Bill Hader was better on “Saturday Night Live” than Kristen Wiig, Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, Amy Poehler, and Tina Fey.
8. “Orange is the New Black” is the best new television show since “Game of Thrones.”
9. Stacked up against any television series, new episodes of NPR’s “This American Life” would always win.
10. Among dramas that have overstayed their welcome, the last two seasons of “Dexter” are worse than the last two seasons of “Alias.”
11. Bottle Rocket remains Wes Anderson’s most rewatchable film.
12. John Voight’s sex scene in this week’s episode of “Ray Donovan” was the most disturbing television scene of the decade so far.
13. Twizzlers are better than Red Vines, Dr Pepper is better than Mr. Pibb, and Cocoa Pebbles are preferable to Cocoa Krispies.
14. Ninety-five percent of Americans would not believe you if you told them that “The Drew Carey Show” was on for the same amount of seasons as “Seinfeld.”
15. The most axiomatically poignant scene in cinematic history is Richard Dreyfus’ voiceover narration at the end of Stand By Me.
16. Up contains the greatest opening sequence of the 21st century.
17. Indianapolis Colt’s Quarterback Andrew Luck has the least attractive unkempt beard in sports.
18. “Parks and Recreation” Season 4 > “Community” Season 2.
19. “Bob’s Burgers” is the best animated sitcom on television.
20. Haberdashery is the most misunderstood word in the English language.
21. Let’s be honest: The Treblemakers really should’ve won the final competition in Pitch Perfect. Right?
22. The Commitments’ version of “Try a Little Tenderness” was the best soundtrack song of the ’90s.
23. No one has better bone structure than Cate Blanchett. No one.
24. The Breakfast Club is John Hughes’ best film. Though wrong, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is also an acceptable answer.
25. At the time it aired, “Blink” was the greatest episode of “Doctor Who” of the modern era. However, due to diluting power of the Weeping Angels’ reappearances, “Girl in the Fireplace” is officially the best “Doctor Who” episode of the modern era. This cannot be disputed.