1. In 1992, Bill Brasky set the Illinois record for transmitting the most STDs in a single year. He celebrated by eating a cauldron full of crab soup and hobos.
2. Bill Brasky once pulled a man’s intestines out of his chest, wrapped them around his neck, and hung him by his own guts because that man failed to leave his waitress a 15 percent tip.
3. Bill Brasky once woke a woman from a six-year coma after making love to her. They were married the next day, and divorced the day after. The woman was so heartbroken, she slipped back into her coma and never woke up.
4. Bill Brasky once punched out the moon because he mistook a lunar eclipse for a sexual advance, and Bill Brasky only makes love to Jupiter’s moons.
5. Boy bands are formed from the defecate of Bill Brasky’s bi-annual dumps.
6. Bill Brasky once wrestled a 15-foot long boa constrictor to death with his penis.
7. After hearing that Wilt Chamberlain had made love to 20,000 women, Bill Brasky made love to the exact same 20,000 women and then he dug up Chamberlain’s bones and made love to them as his record-breaking sexual conquest.
8. Bill Brasky once built a house, raised a family, and commuted to work every morning from the belly of a blue whale.
9. Love Actually makes Bill Brasky cry every single time.
10. After feeding Tommy Tutone to a great white shark for revealing the phone number of his 12th wife, Jenny, Bill Brasky fought off a swarm of barracudas so he could eat the thigh the shark left behind.
11. Bill Brasky once had a threesome on top of a thoroughbred racehorse and still placed second in the Kentucky Derby, losing to the woman he was making love to from behind.
12. Bill Brasky once slammed Thor’s entire arm through a table made of reinforced steel during an arm-wresting competition. Thor lost his Mjölnir for a year in the bet.
13. Bill Brasky once entered into a staring contest with a Largemouth bass and won.
14. Bill Brasky once had a lump removed from his breast that turned out to be a throwing star he’d gotten lodged beneath his skin while making love to the ninja assassin hired to kill him.
15. Bill Brasky sprinkles half-smoked cigarettes into his Cocoa Krispies every morning.
16. Bill Brasky once made a Santa suit out of the skin of homeless people, and when children sat on his lap to tell him what they wanted for Christmas, he ate them.
17. Bill Brasky knows what happened to Baby Jane.
18. Bill Brasky once extinguished a house fire after forcing a bubble a trapped gas out of his sphincter.
19. Bill Brasky wears live eels as tube socks.
20. Bill Brasky replaced his cancerous left testicle with a medicine ball.
21. Bill Brasky once swam upstream the entire length of the Mississippi River so he could impregnate a salmon.
22. Bill Brasky taught his 12-year-old son how to swim by throwing him off of Niagara Falls in a barrel. His son died on impact. Brasky eulogized him on the spot with a quote from Kurt Vonnegut. “So it goes.”
23. Bill Brasky uses the dismembered arm of Def Leppard’s drummer to play his gong.
24. Bill Brasky once kept a grizzly bear as a house pet, until it bit off the arm of the mailman. One of the saddest days of his life was when he had to put down the mailman.
25. Contrary to popular belief, Bill Brasky is not a son of a bitch. His mother, in fact, fended off an entire battalion of Nazi soldiers during the war with a frying pan and was awarded Sainthood by both the Catholic and Wiccan Church .
To William Robert Brasky!