20 Christmas Truths That No One Denies
1) Multicolored lights are superior to white lights for tree decorating purpose.
2) White lights are the only acceptable form of decorative light for outdoor purposes.
3) Eggnog is the only beverage made worse by the addition of liquor.
4) Scarves have replaced candles as the go-to gift for your sister-in-law/ friendly co-worker/ standard-white-women-you-don’t-really-know-that-well.
5) Garland is superior to tinsel.
6) Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time, and, if you disagree, then I hope you enjoy doing a Gruber off of Nakatomi Plaza thanks bye.
7) RIBBONS ON THE TREE IS A FIRE HAZARD RESERVED FOR THE RICH.
8) Actually Charlie Brown Christmas is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.
8b) Calling it Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown is totally acceptable.
9) Christmas cards with glitter are passive-aggressive assaults on your friends and family. Scully.
10) Using purposely infuriating wrapping techniques ensure a place in the genital torture section of hell.
11) Subsequently, gift boxes do count as a “wrapped gift.”
12) Bringing a sex toy to a Yankee Swap party does not make you edgy. It makes you the one everyone has to force a smile around. If you’ve ever done this in any setting, go talk to HR right now.
13) It’s better to assemble a gift and leave it unwrapped than to wrap a gift that’s left unassembled. (Writer’s Note: This is specific to presents for small children and rich people.)
14) If you have a perfectly coordinated tree that isn’t covered in a distracting mishmash of random ornaments with no rhyme or reason, you’re a monster.
14b) The more nutty stuff on the tree with sentimental value, the better.
14c) Take your perfectly matched, white ornament, magazine shoot garbage and throw it into your perfectly cleaned fireplace. If half of your ornaments aren’t broken in at least one place, you’re doing it wrong. (Writer’s Additional Note: There was some disagreement among the Overlords on coordinated tree decorations vs. good tree decorations. If they want to argue that cream, silver, and burlap say “Christmas!” they should make their own post.)
15) Actually Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang is the best Christmas movie.
16) The Nightmare Before Christmas is the best Christmas movie. IT IS KNOWN.
17) Christmas roast > Christmas turkey > Christmas ham. Literally no one likes ham.
18) The concept of a White Christmas is a form of New Englander oppression on the rest of America to convince us that your region isn’t a bleak icy hell hole for four months out of the year.
19) Best. Christmas. Song. Ever.
20) Actually strings of beads are better than both garland and tinsel.
Final Bonus Truth: Smash holiday movie classic Jingle All the Way is actually the best Christmas movie.