Columns of fire shoot to the sky and hordes of locusts sweep across the lands because Andrew Lincoln once again stands outside a door with his hand-written signs of terror.
That Love Actually mini-sequel is coming, people. You know it. I know it. The ancient stones beneath the mountains know it, and they fear it.
They’ve released a sort of trailer for it now. And despite clenched teeth and cold sweats I guess it’s my job to show it to you, so, here it is:
iframe width=”400” height=”500” frameborder=”0” src=”http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0
Dammit, I can’t do it! I can’t get the embed code out. It’s like being forced to say that you like Nickelback at gunpoint.
Okay. Okay. Bite the bullet, Knava. Resolve. Steely resolve. And compromise: I am going to post the mini-teaser here. It’s only 20 seconds long. But before that I’m gonna give you a list of things you can spend those 20 seconds on instead. Better things. More worthwhile things. Choose wisely. Will you sacrifice 20 seconds of your life to the blood ritual of Andrew Lincoln’s signs, or will you:
1) Use your hands to try clap the first 20 seconds of the Super Mario Bros. theme tune.
2) Go to the Pajiba Store and begin the process of getting some sweet, sweet, branded swag.
3) Lightly smack your head against the table in an attempt to permanently dislodge any knowledge of this thing called ‘Love Actually’.
4) Try and laugh like this:
5) Admonish Ron for sneezing and scaring the deer a few times:
6) Stand up, and stretch. Like, really stretch. Make that satisfied stretching noise. The really guttural one that for just a brief second links you back to our primitive past. Let it ring out, finish the stretch, and then sit back down again.
7) Decide that today is the day for starting to learn an instrument. Will it be the guitar? The piano? The viola? Decide on that too.
8) Look out the nearest window and for 20 seconds try and see what’s out there with completely fresh eyes. What would a person who’s seeing that view for the first time notice the most?
9) If there are people around you, look at one of them. Pick someone whose face you can see. Stop what you’re doing and gaze into their eyes for 20 seconds. At the 17 seconds mark, smile.
10) Get off your chair and lie down flat on your back on the floor. After 20 seconds try and get up without using your hands.
11) Try whistling 20 seconds of the Super Mario Bros. theme tune.
12) Try to think of a compelling argument for the Super Mario Bros. theme tune—as genius as it is—being better than ‘Dr Wily’s Castle theme’ from Mega Man 2. Stop after 20 seconds. You’ll only embarrass yourself.
13) Grab a pen and a blank piece of paper. Draw something in the middle of the paper. Don’t think about it, just slash a line across the blank space, and then carry on for 20 seconds. Fold the paper, pop it in your wallet, and then add to the random shape at some point.
14) Take a deep, slow breath in. Hold it for 5 seconds. Exhale as slowly as you can.
15) Think of the last conversation you had with a friend. How much of what they said do you remember?
16) Think to yourself: Do I know a fascist? If you do, think of the next opportunity you might get to punch them.
17) Try and say your name backwards. Last and first name.
18) Look at this dog not having it:
19) Look at this dog not having it:
20) Rest one finger lightly on the ‘alt’ key on your keyboard. Hover the other above the ‘F4’ key. Solemnly intone the words: ‘Nay, demon! I defy you!’ and apply pressure to both fingers.
You poor fool.
In the words of Anton Chigurh:
‘If the rule you followed led you to this, of what use was the rule?’