12 of the Best-Worst Reasons to Not Believe in Astrology

By Vivian Kane | Lists | June 16, 2016 |

By Vivian Kane | Lists | June 16, 2016 |

Earlier this week I celebrated my something-somethingth birthday. (Yay me for having the courage to be born!) It was a great, celebratory day, only slightly dampened by one singular realization:

I share a birthday with Donald Trump.

Now, I have the same relationship with astrology and horoscopes as most people, which is that they are fun and SO COOL when they describe me or the things I want to believe about myself or my situation, and when they’re off, they’re BUNK. But I’ve never been more convinced that this sort of personal astrology is silly and false than now, being told that I share characteristics with this orange monster. And even more convincing, you know who else shares this Flag Day birthday? Che Guevara. Can you think of two people with more different natural characteristics than these two? (Wait till you hit the Aries below and maybe you will.)

Does this entire premise belie a total misunderstanding of the entire concept of astrology? Probably, yes, almost definitely. But whatever, it’s my birthday (week). If our personalities are even slightly determined by our birthdays and the stars and whatnot, here are 12 reasons why that totally sucks, 12 garbage humans no one should ever have to share anything with.

Aquarius
Worst of the Bunch: Ayn Rand

Like Trump and Che, you know who else is an Aquarius? The real Maria von Trapp. Could two people be more different? SHE JUST WANTS TO MAKE CURTAINS INTO LEDERHOSEN AND SING SONGS IN A MEADOW.

Pisces
Worst of the Bunch: Terrence Howard

Aries
Worst of the Bunch: A bunch of murderers

There are a lot of really awesome Aries: Johann Sebastian Bach, Tennessee Williams, Stephen Sondheim, Vincent van Gogh, Barbara Kingsolver, Eric Clapton, Akira Kurosawa… you get the point. You start to think that this time of year must, for one reason or another, breed a special kind of person. And then you realize that Hitler (on the cusp), Clyde Barrow (as in Bonnie’s boy), and British serial killer John Christie were ALSO Aries, and that’s a whole other sort of “special” kind of person.

Taurus
Worst of the Bunch: Pol Pot

Plus, depending on the cutoff you go with, also Hitler again.

Gemini
Worst of the Bunch: Drumpf. Sad!

Cancer
Worst of the Bunch: Cosby

If Cosby and Elizabeth Warren share a sign, nothing means anything.

Leo
Worst of the Bunch: Sean Penn

Virgo
Worst of the Bunch: George Wallace

You know who else shares the sign with this segregationist monster? Beyonce and Mother Teresa. That is a perfect triangle of humanity (and anti-humanity) archetypes.

Libra
Worst of the Bunch: Richard III & Margaret Thatcher (IT’S A TIE!)

Scorpio
Worst of the Bunch: Charles Manson

Sagittarius
Worst of the Bunch: Francisco Franco

Capricorn
Worst of the Bunch: Paula Deen

Not the worst person on this list, by far, but someone I would be pissed to think I shared any predestined characteristics with.