The news that Andrew Keegan has started his own religion (Doucheology, I believe) isn’t exactly surprising. Los Angeles is basically the epicenter of buffet-style spirituality. And if we’re being honest, there are plenty of celebrities who, if we heard they’d started their own cult, would pique our interest. Andrew Keegan (of Joey Donner fame and, umm… what else? Camp Nowhere? Sure, let’s go with that) just isn’t one of them. Here are a few who could at least get us to visit their commune, maybe take a tiny sip of the Kool-Aid, just to try it out.
1. Kristen Bell and the Church of the Five-Foot Woman
Where the tiny rule all. With regular appearances by First Apostle Anna Kendrick.
2. Christ Pratt’s Abdominologists
Beer is banned in this church, but enlightenment comes in the form of amazing abs.
3. Nick Offerman’s Pyramid of Greatness
A perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement.
4. Matthew McConaughey’s Great McConaughssance Devotion
Dedicated to the career comeback. Services are comprised mostly of drunken ramblings on the nature of time, the darkness of humanity, and achieving happiness through shirt removal.
5. Joss Whedonverse Worship
Expand your consciousness beyond this word. Beyond our universe. Embrace the Whedonverse in all its glory.
6. Edgar Wright’s Church of Sex Bob-omb
They rock hard. They’re really into quick cuts. They eat bread and don’t give a f*ck about the consequences. This group has everything.
7. Tatiana Maslany and the Church of Five Women
Eventually someone has to recognize her abilities as some sort of divine power, right?
8. Joaquin’s Order of the Phoenix
There is no celebrity-turned-cult leader would be less surprising than Joaquin Phoenix. For maximum cult potential he may revert back to using the name “Leaf.”
9. Uzo Aduba’s First Litchfield Church of Crazed Eyes
Services alternate between Shakespearean recitations and self-flagellation. Unique hairstyles accepted in lieu of donations.
10. Jonathan Taylor Thomas and the House of Tiger Beat
If we’re going to practice in the “church” of a 90s heartthrob, it’s going to be the One Supreme Leader. Thou shalt worship no false teen idols.
11. Tilda Swinton’s Church of Whatever Planet She Comes From
I don’t know where she’s from or what she stands for, but I do know I agree with everything she says and does wholeheartedly.
12. Christina Hendricks and Her Church of Remarkable Attributes
Tell me you wouldn’t join any group she was the leader of.