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10 Signature Evil Dead Trilogy Lines as Re-Written by Diablo Cody

By Dustin Rowles | Lists | July 14, 2011 |

By Dustin Rowles | Lists | July 14, 2011 |

As we reported earlier today, an Evil Dead remake is in the works. Now it’s official with a press-release announcement from Sam Raimi confirming that Fede Alvarez will direct the film working from his own script, which he co-wrote on with Rodo Sayagues. The one new wrinkle? Oscar-winner Diablo Cody (Juno) is polishing the draft, exchanging boomsticks for hamburger phones.

But despair not. This is actually the first positive news I’ve heard about the remake. I loathe the general idea, but with a little assistance from Cody, I think they can make a movie distinct enough from the original not to tarnish it. I also know a lot of people dismissed Jennifer’s Body because of Megan Fox, but it’s much better than you might think. The writing is clever and sharp. I’m an unabashed fan of Cody, and anyone that throws as many 80’s references around as she does clearly understands The Evil Dead. As a choice to polish the script, I think she’s the c*nt’s meow.

There is still no word if Ashley J. Williams will return in the remake, or if Bruce Campbell has a role or what it might be. Bringing in Cody doesn’t give us much more idea about the plot, but it certainly hints at a tone. I’m guessing it will be much more in line with Evil Dead 2 (or even Army of Darkness) than the original, and one has to wonder if Cody might take a few of those signature lines from the Evil Dead trilogy and give them her own Diablo spin. What might they look like?

Maybe something like this:

  • Original line: This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line.

    Cody’s Change: This is my IStick. The Big Gulp of murder weapons. I will cram it up your spout and splatter your menses all over the back wall. Forshizzle.

  • Original line: First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.

    Cody’s Change: Kiss me or kill me, homeskillet? Pick a flavor and chew.

  • Original line: Then let’s head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch.

    Cody’s Change: Then let’s head on down into that cellar and cut that bitch like a Chinese chick on an ugly cuticle.

  • Original line: Gimme some sugar, baby.

    Cody’s Change:Pass Me an Eggo, Skippy.

  • Original line: You’re goin’ down. Chainsaw.

    Cody’s Change: I will rip you open like a frat boy on a Sweet Valley High virgin.

  • Original line: Yo, she-bitch! Let’s go!

    Cody’s Change: Yo Monistat! Let’s tumble.

  • Original line: Good. Bad. I’m the guy with the gun.

    Cody’s Change: Good. Bad. I’m the guy with the souped-up Red Ryder BB-Gun and it’s aimed right at your eye, Ralphie.

  • Original line: Hail to the king, baby.

    Cody’s Change: I’m kinda the shit.

  • Original line: Lady, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store.

    Cody’s Change: Lady, go play Hello Titty with the homeless guy out in the parking lot.

  • Original line: Groovy.

    Cody’s Change: Groovy.

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    Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.