The Golden Globes are over, the Oscar nominations come out Thursday, and the Oscars themselves take place in a little under six weeks. It might not feel like it, but we’re approaching the home stretch of the endless yearly drudge that is awards season. It can be a fun drudge, mind… as long as you don’t take it too seriously. Otherwise, you’re liable to make yourself a screaming mess trying to figure out J.K. Simmons’ possibility for victory vis a vis his earlier nominations and wins, his competition, how they’ve been doing, whether any voter biases are likely to come into play, and the position of the planets. With the entire fucking Internet trying to pretend they’re soothsayers who know whether Boyhood’s going to win or not, it can be an obnoxious time.
Thankfully, I’ve compiled some handy tips to help you get through it. Preparedness is the key to success!
2) Anytime someone says the word “snub,” stick your fingers in your ears and start yodeling. Better yet, get a leg up and start the yodeling whenever someone utters the “sn” sound, just to be safe. It’ll cut down on your conversations about Snuggies, but mental health sometimes requires sacrifice.
3) When it comes time to fill out your Oscar ballot, write in Herbie Fully Loaded for everything.
4) If you ever start thinking about how Snowpiercer probably won’t get any non-technical Oscar nominations, or maybe any nominations, even though it deserves adapted screenplay at least, go to a mirror, look yourself straight in the eye, and remind yourself that awards shows are meaningless. Movies are meaningless. Existence is meaningless. H A I L Z U U L.
5) If someone asks you who you think should win Best Picture, just give a giant grin, blink your eyes rapidly, and say “Blended” in the chipperest voice you can manage.
6) Once the nominations are out, it’ll be tough to stave off those negative emotions resulting from snubs and undeserved noms (*cough*TheImitationGame*cough*). But there’s one thing that always staves off negative emotions: Watching Mortal Kombat. Keep it loaded on your phone at all times.
7) Prepare yourself in advance for the fact that Antonio Banderas won’t be nominated for Best Supporting Actor out of respect for his ability to act opposite an assortment of cardboard standees in The Expendables 3. It’ll be tough, but it’s for the best.
8) If you don’t give a shit about the Oscars, train yourself in the art of inconspicuous self-meditation for when friends and family start talking about them in your presence. If they’re really busting up your chi, invest in a blow horn.
9) As for the ceremony itself, give yourself a stern talking-to about not getting your hopes up. It’s going to be boring. Yes, I know Neil Patrick Harris is hosting, but even he and his megawatt charisma can’t bring the dead back to life.
10) Punch the first person who makes 2016 Oscar predictions.