In case the Internet hasn’t informed you yet, Aloha is shit. (I’M SORRY, DUSTIN.) It is shit for many reasons, including its use of a Manic Pixie Dream Culture, its weird subplot about the privatization of space exploration, and that thing where Emma Stone is now Asian.
And let’s add another one to the list: Emma Stone, 26, is the love interest of Bradley Cooper, 40. The cinematic age gap is something of a new norm for her; in 2014, she went from being paired with real-life boyfriend Andrew Garfield in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 to Colin Firth (54) in Magic in the Moonlight and Edward Norton (45) in Birdman. Later this year she’ll do the cinematic nasty with Joaquin Phoenix (40) in Irrational Man. Woody Allen got his hands on her, and all of a sudden it’s “HEY EMMA, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MAKING OUT WITH MEN BETWEEN 14 AND 28 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU.” Meanwhile, Maggie Gyllenhaal is a decrepit old swamp hag, apparently.
I mean, I know the feelings the world has re: Colin Firth (I believe they can be summed up as purrrrrrr), but damn, can we not cast Emma Stone opposite people her own age again? Might I suggest:
Andrew Garfield (31 years old)
It’s the sensible choice. And also, Courtney deserves nice things in life.
Anna Kendrick (29 years old)
Did I say “actors” in the headline? Ha ha, suckerrrssss. Lesbian Bonnie and Clyde. Bring it.
John Boyega (23 years old)
I just want to double-check that all of you have watched Attack the Block. Yeah? We good? He’s in some other movie that’s coming up, too, but I don’t care too much about that one. Nope. Absolutely not.
Eddie Redmayne (33 years old)
They can star in a slasher horror flick called Redheads: The Gingering. He’ll do his Jupiter Ascending voice. It’ll be great.
Nicole Beharie (30 years old)
I’m sorry, I just got incredibly distracted.
Michael B. Jordan (28 years old)
Lord Jesus, let Michael B. Jordan’s career make it out of Fantastic Four. Forever and ever, amen.
Steven Yeun (31 years old)
Someone better get this man a leading role after he’s done being attacked by zombies, I swear to God.
Miles Teller (28 years old)
Potential dickbaggery aside, the man’s a good actor. Or at least he made the parts of Insurgent he was in interesting, which was a near-Herculean task.
Dev Patel (25 years old)
Boom indeed. I love Chappie and there’s nothing you can do to stop me, so there.
Kristen Stewart (25 years old)
PLEASE GOD. Someone go back in time and tell 2008!me that I will one day become a Kristen Stewart fan. Clouds of Sils Maria and Adventureland. She can act, dammit!